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8-Week Program: With God's Permission

Here's a complete resource for a congregation to begin using an asset-based approach to financial stewardship. "This simple program can help your congregation fund God’s mission in a fresh and exciting manner." Available for free PDF download. From ELCA Stewardship.

How many members of the Tate family belong to your church?

Old man Dic-Tate wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything.

Sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate.

Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year.

Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others.

Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.

But not all members of the family are bad.

Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always thinks things over and lend helpful, steady hands.

And of course there is the white sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church.
* * * * *
Out walking, the pastor passed some boys straining to reach a doorbell of a house. To be helpful, he lifted one of the boys up to reach the button.

Putting him back on the ground, the pastor crouched down to the boys' level, grinned and said, "now what?"

The boys grinned. "Now we RUN!"
* * * **
One day the pastor ran out of gas while driving his wife's car. She worked as a nurse, and instead of a gas can he found only medical equipment in the trunk. Improvising, the pastor used a bedpan to bring gas from a local filling station.

A passing motorist saw him filling the tank and exclaimed, "My God, now that's faith!"
* * * * *
Preacher wakes up in the parsonage one winter Sunday morning to discover that the largest snowstorm on record has occurred the night before. He doubted whether anybody at all would show up for church, but went across the yard to the sanctuary. As it turned out, only one parishoner came, a farmer who lived way outside of town and who had come on horseback.

The preacher recognised the awkwardness of the situation and asked if the man wanted to hear a sermon anyway, even though nobody else had shown up. The farmer said, "Well, if went out to feed the herd of steer and only one was there, I'd still feed it."

So the preacher preached. And preached and preached some more. After almost two hours, he finally gave a benediction and went shake the farmers hand.

He told the farmer that he was so impressed with the "feeding the herd" analogy, that he might share that with some preacher friends and possibly use it in a sermon someday. The farmer said, "Well maybe you'd better hear the rest of it, then. If I went out to feed the herd and only one was there, I'd still feed it all right, but I wouldn't give it all the feed!"
* * * * *
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"

The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them for $1."
* * * * *
A little boy's pet cat is killed one day when the boy is away from home. When telling him the news, his mother offers consolation, saying, "Don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy looks up and replies, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"
* * * *
Top signs you are in a bad church

The church bus has gun racks.

The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

There's an ATM in the lobby.

Choir wears leather robes.

Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

Karaoke Worship Time.

Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
* * * * *
There was a little boy with a quarter to give during a Sunday offering. This Sunday, however, happened to be communion Sunday. As the elements were being passed, the boy's parents told him not to take any. "You're not old enough," they explained.

Later when the offering plate came by, however, the boy's parents urged him to put in his quarter. Loudly he proclaimed, "If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
* * * * *
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".

The atheist yells back, "There is no God".

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!".

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
* * * * *
Church Football Plays

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
* * * * *
The minister’s son got his driver’s license and promptly asked to use the car. "I'll make a deal with you,” the father said. “You get your hair cut and we'll see.”

The son replied, “But Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair -- and even Jesus had long hair.”

Without missing a beat, the father replied, Yes, and they all walked every where they went!"
* * * * *
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
* * * * * *
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
* * * * *
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
* * * * *
"New Year's Resolutions "

Resolution #1

2001: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2002: I will not leave Marge.

2003: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2004: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2

2001: I will stop looking at other women.

2002: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2003: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2004: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3

2001: I will not let my boss push me around.

2002: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2003: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2004: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4

2001: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2002: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2003: I will read 5 books a year.

2004: I will finish "Airport."

Resolution #5

2001: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.

2002: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.

2003: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.

2004: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6

2001: I will get my weight down below 180.

2002: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2004: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7

2001: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2002: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2003: I will not become a "problem drinker".

2004: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8

2001: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2002: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2010.

Resolution #9

2001: I will see my dentist this year.

2002: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2003: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2004: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10

2001: I will go to church every Sunday.

2002: I will go to church as often as possible.

2003: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2004: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

* * * * *
Not long before Christmas, two little boys were spending a night at their grandparents. Saying their prayers at bedtime, the younger boy prayed at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR."

His older brother leaned over and nudged him: "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." The little brother smiled and said, "No, but Grandma is!"
* * * * *
A congregation called a woman as the new senior pastor, despite the objections of Humphrey, a longtime member who always boasted he was one of the top pledging members.

After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take her fishing. Humphrey reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

Out on the lake, they got ready to fish but realized that all their tackle was back on the dock.

“I’ll get it,” the new pastor said, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

Humphrey grimaced and said, "I told you we never should have brought her fishing. She can't even swim!"
* * * * *
During a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story.

But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
* * * * *
Eulogy for a church servant

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.
* * * * *
Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.

Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.

Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.

Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.

(Found on http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Church/)
* * * * *
A state trooper found a high roller by the roadside next to a demolished car, crying, "MY BMW! I've lost my BMW!" 

The trooper says, "Never mind the car. You've lost your left arm!" 

The high roller looks down, and cries, "My Rolex! I've lost my Rolex!"
* * * * *
The Christians on Ecunet were having a debate about whether the smallest man in the Bible really was Knee-high-miah.

"II thought it was Bildad the Shoehite,” offered Hugh.

“I thought it was Tobit,” said Elizabeth.

But it was Rich who provided the best answer with a New Testament offering. “It was Peter,” Rich said. “He slept on his watch.”
* * * * *
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

…if people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

… if when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

… if opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

… if a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

… if the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

… if in a congregation of 500 members, the church directory has only seven different last names on it.

… if Baptism is referred to as "branding."

… if high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

… if people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too

heavy.

… if the baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

… if the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

… if the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
* * * * *
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

(Contributed by Bill Agee, who received it from beliefnet's joke of the day.)
* * * * *
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * *
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
* * * * *
A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."
The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
* * * * *
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldn't a been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
The new minister comes out of the room, heads down the hall and is greeted by a woman of the congregation.
"You must be the new minister."
He replies, “Yes I am.”
"and I bet that you are nervous this morning."
“No, not really She continues. "You are going to preach for the first time in this church in just a few minutes.  You must be a bit anxious."
“No,” he says. “I have it all together. I am not a bit fazed.  I am as calm as I can be.”
"Then what were you doing in the women’s bathroom?"
* * * * *
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
* * * * *
New pastor finds a note in the study from the previous pastor, along with three envelopes, marked #1, #2, and #3. The note wishes him well, and advises to save these envelopes for major problems in the church, and to open them one at a time and in order.

A whole year and a half goes by before a big blowup, at which time the pastor opens envelope #1 and finds these words inside: Blame the former pastor. That seems to get him through the skirmish.

Another year passes until another big blowup. He opens envelope #2 and reads: Blame the Presbytery (or synod or conference or bishop or ...). He survives that trouble also.

Half a year later, a third big blowup occurs. He confidently opens envelope #3, inside which it says: Prepare three envelopes.
* * * * *
More proverbs:

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
* * * *
The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon. A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice," the woman answered. "I was the treasurer of a Lutheran Church for thirty-two years! 

Proverbs for our time

--Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
--Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
--Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
--It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
--The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
--When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
* * * * *
There was a little boy with a dollar to give during a Sunday offering. This Sunday, however, happened to be communion Sunday and as the elements were being passed, the boy's parents told him not to take any. "You're not old enough," they explained.

Later when the offering plate came by, however, the boy's parents urged him to put in his quarter. Loudly he proclaimed, "If I can't eat, I won't pay
* * * * *
On her way to church with her family, a little girl found a crisp dollar on the sidewalk. "What a blessing," said her mother. "You can put that in the offering plate this morning."

"I've got a better idea," said the girl. "On the way home from church I can buy an ice cream at Mr. Miller's and HE can put it in the offering plate next week."

Prayer of the Selfish Child
(by Shel Silverstein in A Light in the Attic)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break,
So none of the other kids can use 'em . . .
Amen.
* * * * *
Two male pastors were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman, rather self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
* * * * *
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for a long time in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
* * * * *
The pastor is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The pastor asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
* * * * *
This "MasterCard moment" was passed along by a participant in the recent Episcopal national convention:

Conference registration: $50

Hotel for 3 days: $237

Hearing a Bishop's cell phone ring during the closing prayer of Eucharist: Priceless!
* * * * *
Psalm 23 for Computer Buffs

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,
All of His commands are user friendly,
His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.
Even though I scroll through the problems of file,
I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;
Your password protects me;
You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
Your help is only a key away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
* * * * *
The minister had borrowed a neighbor's lawn mower and was having trouble getting it started.

"There's a trick to it," said the neighbor. "You have to cuss to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. In fact, it's been so long since I used foul language I'm not even sure if I remember how."

The neighbor looked at him and grinned. "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
* * * * *
A little boy was given a $5 bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"

And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
* * * * *
Hymns for Speeders

45mph. -- God Will Take Care of You

55mph -- Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65mph -- Nearer My God To Thee

75mph -- Nearer Still Nearer

85mph -- This World Is Not My Home

95mph -- Lord, I'm Coming Home

Over 100mph -- Precious Memories
* * * * *
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
* * * **
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy directions to the post office.

After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
* * * * *
A mother woke her son up on Sunday morning and told him he needed to get ready to go to church. The son replied to his mother that he didn't want to go to church this morning. She told him nonsense he should get up and go to church.

"But mom" he replied, "Everybody hates me, the sermons are boring and none of my friends ever come."

His mother replied, "Now, son...! First, everybody doesn't hate you, only a couple of bullies and you just have to stand up to them. Second, the sermons mean a lot to many people. If you listened to them, you'd be surprised at how good they are in helping people. Third, you have lots of friends at church. They are always having you over to their house. And finally, you have to go, you're the pastor!!"
* * * * *
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this?

Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You have to get your own dirt!"
* * * * *
Dear Lord,

So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen
* * * * *
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
* * * * *
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
* * * * *
One Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts 10 minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts 15 minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
* * * * *
At the end of his sermon Father O'Brian turned to his listeners and said,
"Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for Paradise?
Would you please stand?" He was pleased to note that nearly all of his
parishioners stood up.

"That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks
he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"

After a few seconds, Jack Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained
standing as the priest eyed him with sadness. Afterwards, as the
worshippers filed out, Father O'Brian pulled Jack aside and asked him,
"Now, Jack, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?"

To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but
I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself.
"* * * * *
HOW TO STAY SAFE
1.  Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of
all fatal accidents.
2.  Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3.  Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents
    occur to pedestrians.
4.  Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents
    involve these forms of transportation.
5.  Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals.  So, above
    all else, avoid hospitals.
    BUT, You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur
in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.  Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for
you to be at any given point in time is at church!
    And, Bible study is safe too.  The percentage of deaths during Bible
study is even less.
    So for SAFETY'S sake: Attend church, and read your Bible.  IT COULD
SAVE YOUR LIFE!

* * * * *
A pastor was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

 Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
* * * * *
Seen on a bumper sticker:
"Never give the Devil a ride: He'll always want to drive!"
* * * * *
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month--until you loathe it." The woman paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
* * * * *
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
  10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9.  God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8.  God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore  out and would therefore
need Eve to get one for him.
7.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6.  God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5.  God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4.  As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3.  The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to  blame his troubles on when God
 caught him hiding in the garden.
2.  As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said,"
I can do better than that."
* * * * *
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," he said.
The pastor askeed, "Why didn't you do that before the service?"
"I didn't need one then."
* * * * *
Good News / Bad News for a Pastor