|
John Schmitt was the only Lutheran to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
The aroma of steak drove his Catholic neighbors crazy. They were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent, until the neighbors couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They were thrilled when he agreed. At the Catholic Church, Father Reilly sprinkled water over him, and said, "You were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now you are a Catholic."
The neighbors were relieved -- until the following Friday evening when they smelled steak cooking on a grill. A number of them went over to ask him what was up.
The group arrived just in time to see John sprinkling water over the steak, saying these words: "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
* * * * *
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
* * * * * *
Things to remember next time you feel like GOD can't use you: Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses had a stuttering problem, Gideon was afraid, Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once, Zaccheus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer...AND Lazarus was dead! ...no more excuses now. God can use you to your full potential. Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
* * * * *
A pastor with a drinking problem ignores good judgment, gets behind the wheel and is stopped by the Highway Patrol. The officer smells alcohol on the pastor's breath and then spots an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the pastor.
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The pastor looks at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
* * * * *
One Sunday morning a haggard-looking man with obviously old and warn -- but clean -- clothes entered the upscale, suburban church where worshipers wore expensive clothes and accessories. When he sat in a pew, others moved away, but everyone kept their eyes on him.
When the pastor was greeting people at the door after service, the man shook his hand, thanked him for the sermon and promised he'd be back. "Before you come back in here again," the pastor said, "have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here." The man agreed.
The next Sunday, the pastor was shocked when the man showed up for worship in the same worn clothes. "I thought you were going to ask God about proper attire before coming back here?" the pastor asked.
"Well, pastor," the man said, "God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said he's never been in this church."
* * * * *
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the woman in the first car didn't notice it.
A guy in the car behind her is watching traffic pass around them. The man begins pounding on the steering wheel and yelling for the woman to move.
The man is going ballistic inside his car, ranting and raving at the woman, pounding on the steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the man begins to blow the car horn, flips her off, and screams profanity and curses at the woman.
The woman looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The man is beside himself, screaming in frustration as he misses the chance to get through the intersection.
As he is still in mid-rant he hears a tap on the window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious-looking policeman. The policeman tells him to shut off the car while keeping both hands in sight. He complies, speechless at what is happening.
After he shuts off the engine, the policeman orders him to exit her car with his hands up. He gets out of the car and is ordered to place his hands on the car. He quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.
He is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station, fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. He is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer gives him his personal effects.
"I'm really sorry for this mistake," the officer said. "I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the woman off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at her.
Then I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . . . . . . .
I assumed you had stolen the car. "
* * * * *
A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publically for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
* * * * *
Billy, was being taken to his first day of Sunday School. His mother dropped the kindergartner off in the classroom. The teacher turned from the other children to welcome him, and gave him instructions to put his coat on the rack, and his offering in a plate at the little altar, and then to join the group that was just about to hear a story.
Billy ran from the room and was met by another adult in the hallway. "What's wrong?"
"It's worse than I thought" said Billy. "You can't get in without money, and I don;t have any." He looked in his pockets, and fished out a piece of candy. "Do you think they will accept this."
Epilogue: Just then his mother came back exclaiming, "Here's the offering I forgot to give you."
* * * * *
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect
to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
* * * * *
A man called the First National Bank asking for some information about bonds. Conversion or redemption? asked the bank clerk. There was a pause. "Pardon me," said the man, "Do I have the First National Bank or the First Lutheran Church?
* * * * *
Little Billy wanted $100 to buy a bicycle and prayed for weeks and weeks to no avail. Finally he wrote a letter asking God to send him the $100. He addressed the envelope God, USA. The Post Office didn't know what to do with the letter, so they sent it to the White House.
A White House staff member who opened the mail was so touched, she sent Billy $5. For fun, she included a note: "Here you are, Billy. --God"
Billy took out the $5 and wrote a thank you note:
Dear God,
Thanks so much for the money, but I think next time you shouldn't send it through Washington, D.C. They deducted $95 of it!
-Billy
* * * * *
St. Peter needed a break and asked Jesus to take his place at the Pearly Gates for a while. "All you have to do," said St. Peter, "is ask them about their life and then decide whether to let them into Heaven." Jesus agreed.
A wrinkled old man with a cane arrived first. "What did you do for a living?" Jesus asked.
"I was a carpenter," he replied.
"DId you have a family?" asked Jesus, remembering his own family when he was on earth.
"Well," said the man. "I had a son, but I lost him."
"Lost him?" Jesus leaned forward. "What else can you tell me about him."
"He had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus began to breathe fast.
"...Father?"
The old man threw his arms open, "Pinocchio!"
* * * * *
A pastor is visiting a farmer. The pastor asks, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"
The farmer replies, "Of course!"
The pastor continues, "If you had a cow, would you give it to the Lord?"
The farmer replies again, "Yes, of course!"
"If you had a pig, would you give it to the Lord?"
"Now pastor," the farmer chides, "That's not fair. You know I've got a pig!"
* * * * *
Three ministers at a stewardship seminar were comparing how they apportioned the offering every week.
"I split it 50-50," the first minister said. "I keep half, I give half to God."
"I do it differently," the second minister said. "I stand on the steps dividing the altar from the sanctuary and toss everything into the air. Whatever lands on the altar is God's and what lands in the sanctuary is mine."
The third minister chimed in. "I offer everything to God. I toss it in the air and pray, 'Take whatever you want!'"
'"* * * * *
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
(www.christiansunite.com)
* * * * *
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
(www.jokesoftware.com)
* * * * *
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the crafty substitute began playing "The Star-Spangled Banner."
(www.jokecenter.com)
* * * * * *
At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:
I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
(www.christiansunite.com)
* * * * *
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
* * * * * *
A couple was leaving church after Sunday services. "Did you see that designer suit on the woman in front of us?" the wife asked. "And the hat on that woman across the aisle? And the frilly blue dress on the woman sitting to your left?" "Well, no," the husband confessed. "I'm afraid I dozed off." She gave him a sharp look. "A lot of good church does you!"
(from http://www.becquet.com/laughter/)
* * * * *
They Know You're the Children's Pastor Because:
You're afraid to close your eyes when you pray.
Your cracker and juice budget is bigger than your salary.
You once cut up your pajamas to build a flannel graph board.
The church janitor won't speak to you.
You Scotch-guarded your entire minivan.
You buy everything in bulk.
You were stunned to learn that some scissors are pointed.
When people ask how many children you have, you tell them between 60 and
70.
You honestly believe you're only doing this temporarily until the church
finds someone else.
--(Courtesy of Roger Fields and Ken Dovey at www.coldwatercafe.com):
* * * * *
Two monks are talking about the Lord's Prayer. One says to the other, "If you can say the Lord's Prayer without letting your mind wander, I'll give you my horse."
"Ok," says the other. "Our Father, who art in heaven...do I get the saddle, too?"
* * * * * *
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men
standing by the door? They're 'hushers'."
* * * * *
Only a few weeks into a new pastorate, the minister received a visit from the council president. After some chitchat, the president mentioned how high the grass was getting and how the leaves were beginning to pile up.
"You know, our old pastor used to cut the grass, rake leaves -- and even shovel snow."
"I don't know what we're going to do now," the new minister said, shaking his head. I talked with him and he doesn't want to do it anymore."
* * * * *
There was a feud between the pastor and the choir director. The first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director chose to sing "I Shall Not be Moved"
The pastor didn't know what to think and dismissed it as a coincidence. The next Sunday the pastor preached on giving. Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in "Jesus Paid It All"
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built.
A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the choir director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"
There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the choir director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The choir director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."
* * * * *
Pastor Schmitt answers the phone:
Hello, is Rev. Schmitt?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a David Anderson?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
* * * * *
At a stop light one morning, the man in front of Tom l was having car trouble when the light changed to green and he could not go. When the light turned red again, Tom began screaming epithets and beating on the steering wheel. His expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman tapping on his window. Directing his anger towards the policeman -- "You can't arrest me for yelling in my own car!" -- landed Tom in the stationhouse. After a couple hours, the arresting officer advised him he was free to go.
Tom fumed: "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."
The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'What a jerk!' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the fish on the trunk lid, and the "My boss is a Jewish Carpenter," and the "Jesus is Coming Soon" bumper stickers, and I thought you must have stolen the car from a Christian."
* * * * *
Could it be that Presbyterians are actually German Lutherans at heart? Rearrange the letters in "Presbyterian" and you'll get "Pray it's beer!"
* * * * *
The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty.
"Do you know where little boys go if they don't put their money in the collection plate?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," a boy blurted out. "They go to the movies."
* * * * *
At coffee following yet another funeral, three retired pastors who had been friends since seminary days were lamenting the fleetingness of life. The conversation turned to what the three pastors wished their friends would say about them as they lay in their caskets at their own funerals.
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man," said the first.
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives," said the second.
The third jumped in, "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
* * * * *
Despite being a thrifty Swede and pious Lutheran, Lars nevertheless loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day when he was losing his shirt on the ponies, he noticed a priest on the track blessing the forehead of a horse before a race.
Though the horse was an extreme long-shot, he won. As horses assembled for the next race, Lars watched the priest step onto the track and placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse, another long-shot.
Without blinking an eye, Lars headed to the betting window and placed a small wager on the horse. Again the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Lars collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the next. Lars bet on it, and it won!
Again and again that day, the horse the priest blessed came in first. Lars began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew everything and waited. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race and touched the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Lars bet every cent, but this time the horse come in dead last and Lars wanted to know why. "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
* * * * *
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?
B - BASIC, I - INSTRUCTIONS, B - BEFORE, L - LEAVING, E - EARTH
* * * * *
Jesus and Satan were having a contest. They spent hours typing on computers everything they knew about God and the Bible. Just as their time was almost up, the electricity went out and the computers shut down. When the electricity came back up, Satan cried out "It's gone, everything is gone!" But Jesus just opened the file and kept typing.
Satan responded, "Hey, how does he still have everything he typed?"
God answered, "Jesus saves."
* * * * *
The little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. The next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The kitten took it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony.
But, she acted worse than ever: clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor and said: "Fine, be a Lutheran if you want to!
* * * * *
Changing money at the Minnesota-Canada border, the bank teller asked Ole,
"What denomination?" Ole replied, "Lutheran, of course!"
* * * * *
Top 10 Church Fundraising Ideas
Organist Tip Jar
3 Drink Minimum at Communion
Sunday School Tuition
Handling Fee for Baptisms
Church Parking Meters
Paid Newsletter Subscriptions
Bulletin Classified Ads
Cover Charge for Christmas/Easter Services
18% Gratuity for Families of 8 or More
Pot Luck Supper Admission
Based on a "The Piranha Club" cartoon www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/piranha/about.htm, seen on ECULAUGH.
* * * * *
One day while a little boy is at school, a car strikes and kills his cat. His mother is afraid the boy will take it badly, so after telling him the news she adds, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy thinks about it and replies, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"
* * * * *
The congregation knew the roof was leaking and needed replacement, but they kept putting it off. Finally some areas of the ceiling in the sanctuary began to sag. They called a congregational meeting to address the problem, and the richest member of the congregation rose to say that he would pledge
$1000 toward fixing the roof. Just then a small piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on the head. Somebody in the back of the church said, "Hit him again, Lord!"
* * * *
HYMNS, BY PROFESSION
DENTIST'S HYMN: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: "The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: "Standing on the Promises"
OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN: "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I.R.S. HYMN: "All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: "Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: "Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: "Sweet By and By"
* * * * *
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in Scotland when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to
swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, the atheist cried out, "Oh, my God!
Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!", the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either.
* * * * *
"It was tough to get the giving campaign in gear after this bulletin blooper:
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
* * * * *
By the time Johnny arrived at the football game, the first quarter was
almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to
the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his
Lawyer (both church members) to come to his home. When they arrived, they
were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held
out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched
and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his
final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given
any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the
Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
* * * * *
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the
receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he
exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the
dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was
whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell
him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back
here, too!"
* * * * *
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
* * * * *
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning
* * * * *
People want to sit in the front of the bus; back of the church and still be the center of attention.
* * * * *
"A monk walks up to a tofu hotdog stand, says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor gives him a hot dog with the works and the monk hands over a $20 bill. The vendor puts the $20 in his pocket. The monk asks, "What about my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
* * * * * *
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
* * * * * * *
Environmentalist Christians recently looked with dismay at the fuel efficiency of American cars and asked "What would Jesus drive?" Maybe this hand-made sign observed on the back of an Amish horse and buggy in Pennsylvania has an answer: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
* * * * * *Kids say the darnedest things -- about faith
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
8. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
9. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
11. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.
13. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
14. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a children's sermon, the pastor wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He began by asking the youngsters rules that their parents might give as they walked into a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the pastor inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
* * * * *
One day, during the Sunday service, the pastor said, "Now we have a special opportunity for those of you who claim your basic theological identity as 'atheist': We will be more than happy to help you give up anything in your possession that has the words 'In God We Trust.' The offering will now be received."
* * * * *
One day, during the Sunday service, the pastor said, "Now we have a special opportunity for those of you who claim your basic theological identity as 'atheist': We will be more than happy to help you give up anything in your possession that has the words 'In God We Trust.' The offering will now be received."
Up at the head table in the cafeteria, the pastor had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note: "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of fresh chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting: "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
* * * * *
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says, slightly concerned. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!" he moans, now really getting worried. "Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into Heaven is by the grace of God!"
St. Peter nods and says, "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in my son!"
* * * * *
A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
"God? You there, God?" he asked.
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
* * * * *
A $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill happened to find themselves side-by-side in a bank vault. The $1 dollar bill struck up a conversation. "I'm glad for the rest in here. What a busy life!"
"I know what you mean," said the $20 dollar bill replied, "I've been to distant countries, bought meals in the fanciest restaurants, gambled in the world's biggest casinos, bought jewelry and furs, been the opera and all the shows on Broadway, sports games, ski resorts and just about every mall in the country." The $20 bill sighed. "And how about you?"
"Well," the dollar bill replied, "I've been to the Lutheran Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church, the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Episcopalian Church, the Church of the Brethren, the United Church of Christ ...."
"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!," interrupted the $20 dollar bill. "What's a church??"
* * * * *
When two men were shipwrecked on an a deserted island, one immediately began panicking: "No food, no water, no shelter! We're going to die."
The second guy just shook his head. "Calm down. God is with us. We'll be rescued soon."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Well," the second guy began, "I'm a CEO who makes $15 million a year, and I tithe to my church. Believe me, the stewardship and finance committees will find me!"
* * * * *
The Lord's Lottery
A Sure Fire Stewardship Program Designed And Developed By Pastor Dale M.
Vitalis, First Lutheran Church, Fargo, ND
Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez 6:15
Purpose: The 'BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way
into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.
Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:
1. When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will
place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar.
2. One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering
envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar.
3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will
receive DOUBLE THEIR MONEY BACK!!
Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits
blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this 'Lord's
Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program'
1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes.
2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you
will be astounded at how your membership will grow.
3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if
their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the
intelligence of your members).
4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can
imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is
drawn.
5. You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement,
honor, and prestige that comes with the job.
6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying
those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches on
members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover
that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the 'bingo
syndrome.'
7. Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as
that will no longer be the 'main event.'
* * * * *
A pig and a chicken were walking through a poor section of the city. The chicken said to the pig, "Look at all those hungry people. Let's give them ham and eggs for breakfast."
The pig said, "Wait a minute. For you, it's a donation. For me, it's a sacrifice."
* * * * *
A businessman is in a great deal of trouble. He has put everything into his business and it is still failing. He owes everybody. In fact, things have gotten so bad that he contemplates suicide.
As a last resort, he goes to a minister and pours out his story of tears and woe. When he has finished, the minister says, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."
A year later, the businessman goes back to the minister and brings his wife and children with him. The man is in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulls an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gives it to the minister as a donation as thanks for his advice.
The minister recognizes the benefactor, of course, and is curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asks.
"Absolutely," the businessman replies.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
(Third Age- Jokes & Laughs)
* * * * *
Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
The Father quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
The teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold
my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would I get into Heaven?" "NO"! the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO"!
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back of
the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead"!
WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But, the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth, because the Bible says " God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, in a Fury."
But, in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest, and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain, "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British sports car with a bad muffler, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large audience. Toward the end, he squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.
A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed.
He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"
"Practice," the woman answered. "I was the treasurer of a Lutheran Church for thirty-two years!
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous great from back here, too!'"
A family went to church one day. The choir sang triumphantly and the Pastor preached the word of God with special inspiration. The congregation could not contain themselves. They clapped, danced and made joyful noises to the Lord. At the end of worship, the congregation was exhausted but satisfied.
On the way home, the youngest son said, "Wow! I can't believe they put on that whole show for only a dollar!"
One day, during the Sunday service, the pastor said, "Now we have a special opportunity for those of you who claim your basic theological identity as 'atheist': We will be more than happy to help you give up anything in your possession that has the words 'In God We Trust.' The offering will now be received."
Despite years of hearing brilliant stewardship sermons at his local church, the wealthy industrialist wanted to "take it with him." On his deathbed he made his wife promise to put ALL his money in his coffin with him. At his funeral, just before they closed his coffin, the man's wife ran up and tucked an envelope inside.
"I still can't believe you did that," her pastor said later.
"How could I not? I'm a Christian woman and I promised to give him every penny," she said, adding with a whisper of a smile, "So I wrote him a check for the whole amount."
* ** * *
During a children's sermon, the pastor wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He began by asking the youngsters rules that their parents might give as they walked into a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the pastor inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
* * * * *
MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD
(POUND 23)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
* * * * *
A pastor of a small Lutheran church founded by Norwegian immigrants noticed that they had fallen $6,000 behind budget, and so decided to inform the congregation on Sunday morning and to also suggest that the shortfall could easily be remedied by the six members of the congregation council. However, in order to add a little incentive at that time, he hot wired the pews where each of those members usually sat.
After a rousing sermon on sacrificial stewardship as members of the Kingdom of God, the pastor shared the $6,000 financial problem that the congregation was facing. He then went on to indicate that he was aware that the problem could be neatly solved by each of the six council members contributing $1,000.
He then invited each council member to signify their pledge of $1,000 to stand. As he said that, he threw the switch to the wiring he had prepared to give the councilors an electronic jolt. The result was that $5,000 was raised and one funeral had to be arranged.
* * * * *
On his deathbed, the wealthy businessman bemoaned the fact that "he couldn't take it with him." He prayed and prayed and prayed, until finally God could endure it no longer and agreed to allow him to bring ONE suitcase into the afterlife.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter welcomed the man but asked to inspect the bag. “Standard procedure,” he explained.
“God approved this!” The man said, opening the case, which turned out to be full of gold bricks.
Saint Peter let out a chuckle. “I can’t believe you brought paving stones to heaven!?"
* * * * *
Last year our Stewardship Chair announced the good news and bad news: The good news was we have more than enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is the money’s still in our pockets.
* * * * *
A family went to church one day. The choir sang beautifully and the Pastor preached the word of God profoundly. The congregation shouted and danced praised unto God. They had a really exciting time in The Lord. On the way home, the youngest son said. "Dad, I can't believe they put on that whole show for only a dollar!"
* * * * *
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill, farewell offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
* * * * *
A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
* * * * *
There was a thrifty Scandinavian painter named Sven who liked to stretch his profit margins by thinning down the paint to make it go further. One summer he got the contract to repaint the big Lutheran church in town, and it was the largest job he had ever tackled. Though he routinely underestimated the paint needed for every project, he made a serious miscalculation this time and wound up thinning even more than usual.
Eventually, he was on the last section of the church, the steeple, and on his last can of paint, which was running dry. He poured paint thinner into the can, and then more and more. At the top of the steeple he looked to heaven and heard a voice:
“Sven! You have cheated your customers for years by cutting corners! And now you have the audacity to swindle even the Lutheran church were baptized and confirmed?”
Trembling, Sven cried out, “Oh God! What should I do?”
The voice from heaven replied: “Repaint! And thin no more!
|
