Joke of the Week: May 12, 2008
One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.
They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.
Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?
Jesus Saves!
Humor
Archive
After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.
After a pause, he replied, "I am transferring from the Country View Golf Course."
*****
The Lutheran church had a small congregation of very faithful people -- all but one brother who had quit coming to church. The pastor went to his farm, and asked him why he didn't attend anymore. "Gee, Pastor, I only have these coveralls and old boots, and I don't want to come to the Lord's house dressed like this."
The pastor said, "I've got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I'll give you if you'll come back!"
The man agreed, and the pastor came back that afternoon with the clothes. Next Sunday the man didn't show up again.
He went out to the farm and asked, "I gave you all those clothes, why didn't you come to church?"
“Well, Pastor," the man said, "I got up and showered and shaved, and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror. I looked so durn good I went to the Episcopal church!"
*****
Dear Pastor…
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9.
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11.
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10.
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8.
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9.
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10.
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10.
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11.
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9.
*****
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are they who mourn...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are they who thirst for justice...
Blessed are you when persecuted...
Blessed are you when you suffer...
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven...
Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?'
And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?'
And James said, 'Will we have a test on it?'
And Philip said, 'What if we don't know it?'
And Bartholomew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?'
And John said, 'The other disciples didn't have to learn this.'
And Matthew said, 'When do we get out of here?'
And Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?'
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept...
*****
Fuzzy Sabbath Logic, from Matthew 12
Matthew 12.9 Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, 10 and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?" . . . 14 But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.
Lesson: For the Pharisees it’s sinful to heal on the Sabbath, but OK to plot murder.
*****
A dentist came home to his wife excited about serving in the mission field using his dental skills.
When she was against the idea, the dentist replied, “I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this."
The wife was skeptical. "How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?"
"It's in the Bible. Psalms 81:10.”
So she looked it up. I, the LORD, am your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.
*****
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
*****
Bulletin bloopers
Our annual church picnic will be held Saturday afternoon. If it rains, it will be held in the morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.
The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.
The low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p. m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Women's Group sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.
The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked 'For the Sick' is for financial contributions only.
The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.
Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man
Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?
*****
The Television Psalm
The TV is my Shepherd, I shall not want anything else.
It maketh me to lie down on the sofa.
It leadeth me away from the Scripture.
It destroyeth my soul.
It leadeth me in the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors’ sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will enjoy the evil, for blood and sex, they excite me.
It prepares a filthy commercial before me in the presence of my children.
It anoints my head with humanism. My coveting runneth over.
Surely laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever.
*****
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a class of children about creation. "Now, children," she said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?"
"God does it," answered one little girl, "but fertilizer helps."
*****
From a church bulletin: “A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
*****
Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers? They sold their souls to Santa!
*****
After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief, preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets."
*****
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a week, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
*****
10 Things You Never Hear in Church:
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 10 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live as we do.
7. I love when we sing new hymns!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
*****
A distraught woman asked the advice of her wise pastor. “I was born blind,” she exclaimed, “But some people tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "I see you carry a cane. Next time someone says that, hit them over the head with the cane," he said. "Then tell them if they had more faith it wouldn't hurt!"
*****
Resolution Evolution:
Number 1:
2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2006: I will read 5 books a year.
2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2008: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
Number 2:
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Number 3:
2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will try to be out of the country by 2009.
Number 4:
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Number 5:
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
2006: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2007: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2008: I will stop looking at other women.
Number 6:
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Number 7:
2005: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2007: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2008: I will not speak to Charlie.
Number 8:
2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2007: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2008: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Number 9:
2005: I will see my dentist this year.
2006: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2007: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2008: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Number 10:
2005: I will go to church every Sunday.
2006: I will go to church as often as possible.
2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
*****
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "You do have your own holiday. April first!"
*****
A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
*****
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was. "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
*****
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with Castor Oil?
A religious movement.
*****
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
*****
On Veterans Day Sunday, the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at the recently polished plaque hanging in the church foyer. He asked, “Who are these people, Pastor?”
The pastor responded, “They are our church members who have died in the service.”
The young man nodded but looked perplexed. After a moment he asked, “Which service -- the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
*****
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
*****
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
"Then which does God believe?"
*****
Little Johnny was feeling queasy in church, so he whispered to his mom, "I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and throw up behind the bushes. Nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny bolted for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat, looking greatly relieved. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
*****
God was upset by the bad behavior in the world, so God sent an angel to investigate. The angel reported the bad news: 95 percent of the people on earth are misbehaving, and only 5 percent are good, decent people.
To comfort and encourage them, God sent every good and decent person an email.
Do you know what it said? You don’t? I didn’t get the email either.
*****
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
*****
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs...AMEN... BROTHER!
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again....PREACH IT REVEREND!
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT IS.....AMEN!
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "Now he's quit preaching and gone to meddlin'."
*****
Favorite Hymns of Lukewarm Lutheran Church
1. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
2. Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
3. Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
4. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
5. All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name
6. My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
7. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
8. My Faith Looks Around for Thee
9. Be Thou My Hobby
10. O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
11. Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
12. Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
13. He’s Quite a Bit to Me
14. Oh, How I Like Jesus
15. I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
16. Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
17. I Surrender Some
18. Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
19. I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
20. Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
21. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
22. Special, Special, Special
23. Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
24. Stick Nearby, It’s Getting Dark Outside
25. Take My Life and Let Me Be
26. There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
27. There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
28. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
29. When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
30. When the Saints Go Sneaking In
31. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
32. God of Taste, and God of Stories
33. Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
*****
The Perfect Pastor
The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. The pastor condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He or she works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.
The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. The pastor 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience.
The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and spends most of the time with the senior citizens. He or she smiles all the time with a straight face because of a sense of humor that keeps the pastor seriously dedicated to his church. The Perfect Pastor makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And she or he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!
*****
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
*****
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Lutheran preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble making families!
*****
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".
The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
*****
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
*****
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found, printed by “Guten” – or something like that.
“Gutenberg?" asked the collector. The friend nodded.
"You fool! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed, a book worth millions of dollars!”
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth much," said the friend. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
*****
Q: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
A: Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
*****
Welcome to Church “Lite”
We are pleased to make the following promises:
7. Guaranteed 30-minute sermon or your next one's free!
6. Your choice of only 8 commandments
5. Only happy hymns and choruses
4. Fewer commitments
3. No messages on subjects that hit too close to home
2. Reclining pews with pillow pads and head rests
1. Offering followed by a complimentary beverage and after service mint
*****
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
*****
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
*****
"I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied.
"It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer.
"Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
*****
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?
*****
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
*****
Does Your Church Expect the Perfect Pastor?
The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.
The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.
The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!
*****
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,'but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog atthe trough!'"
The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..."
"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig just walked in."
* * * * *
A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way.
When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen!
* * * * *
Christian Pickup Lines
1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
10) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
* * * * *
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said -
put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
* * * * *
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
* * * * *
Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.
"Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.
The drunk thought that over for a minute. "Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill him!"
* * * * *
Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".
9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
* * * * *
Mrs. Jones asked her Sunday school pupils to draw a painting based on a Bible story. She was shocked when Johnny drew a naked man and naked woman riding in the back of a convertible, a clothed chauffeur behind the wheel.
"Johnny!" she exclaimed. "This isn't out of the Bible!"
"Sure it is," he replied. "It's God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden."
* * * * *
Dressed in her Sunday best, a little girl was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell—getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!”
* * * * *
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
* * * * *
A pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. He confessed that they worked fine, but removed them because some wag had written, "For this week's sermon, push the button."
* * * * *
Seen on a church sign:
"We welcome all denominations — $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100."
* * * * *
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
A pastor put sanitary hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church but after two weeks took them out. Some wag had posted a sign next to the dryer: "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
* * * * *
A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
* * * * *
Catholic priest and a Presbyterian Minister used to discuss mutual parish problems over a game of tennis. After a recent visit to the courts they went to have their showers when fire broke out. Naked they ran out into the street. Whilst running for safety the preacher covered his private parts and looking up noticed that his catholic colleague held his hands over his face. He said: Why do you cover your face? Well replied the priest: Most people recognise my face.
* * * * *
The teacher asked the pastor's daughter, "Ashley, If you had $5 and you asked your father for $3 more, how many dollars would you have?"
Without missing a beat Ashley responded, "I would have five dollars..."
The teacher retorted, "You don't know your arithmetic!"
Ashley replied, "No, you don't know my father!"
* * * * *
Letters to the Pastor
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
* * * * *
Things to do during a boring sermon
* Pass a note to to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
* See if a yawn really is contagious.
* Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
* Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
* Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.
* Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
* Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
*
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
*
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
* Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
*
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
* Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
* Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
* Try to raise one eyebrow.
* Crack your knuckles.
* Twiddle your thumbs.
* Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.
* Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
* * * * *
You might be in the wrong church if ...
* The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or
three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a Jacuzzi.
* The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.
* The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
* The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
* The Choir wears black leather robes.
* The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't
even begun yet.
* When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer
to being in tune.
* New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5
years.
* The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
* * * * *
A man made his way quickly through the carriages of a train in Ireland, calling
out "I need a priest! Is there a Catholic priest on the train?" There was no
reply.
He then went back through the train, asking "Is there a rabbi on the
train?" Again, no reply.
He made his way through a third time, crying out "OK,
is there an Episcopalian priest on the train?" Still no answer.
Finally a man in
in the corner of the carriage timidly raised his hand and said "I am a
Lutheran minister, if that's of any help". The man took one look at him and
said "That's no good, we're lookin' for a corkscrew."
* * * * *
The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In
the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100
$1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and
its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for
the last 25 years.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He
asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings..
She said that every
time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the
box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly
nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for..
She
replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors
for $1."
* * * *
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions after
beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they
stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut
when there were so many mansions he could live in. St. Peter replied,
"I did the best with the money you sent us."
* * * * *
An 8-year-old's view of non-believers
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there
are any in my town.
At least there aren't any who come to our church."
* * * * *
Good News and Bad News for Pastors
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The church council accepted your job
description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send
a new minister capable of filling the position.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.
Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with
toilet paper and shaving cream.
Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land
for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.
* * * * *
Adam and Eve had the
perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the other men Eve
could have married, and she didn't have to hear what a good cook Adam's
mother was.
* * * *
A very gracious
lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother across the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
* * * * *
Lily Tomlin once said, "Why is it that when you are talking to
God, we
say you are praying. But, when God is talking to you, we say
you're
schizophrenic."
* * * * *
Why God never received tenure at any
university...
1. He had only one major
publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
* * * *
*
A wise Sunday school teacher
sends this note to all parents after the first class in the fall: "If you
promise not to believe everything your child says happens at Sunday school,
I'll promise not to believe everything she says happens at home."
* * * * *
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy
said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4
better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
* * * * *
A man of some wealth overheard a lady remarking, "Oh, if I only
had fifty dollars I would be perfectly content."
He thought about that for a few moments. If the lady only had fifty
dollars she would be content. He thought to himself, "Well, I can help
her out." So he walked up to her and handed her a fifty dollar bill with
his best wishes. She was very overt in her show of gratitude. She really
appreciated his gift. As she walked away he heard her mumble under her
breath, "Why on earth didn't I say one hundred dollars?"
* * * * *
A true story: the chairman
of the Finance Committee declared the meeting could not be convened for
lack of quorum. He asked one of the ministers present to lead in a
prayer. Tired of the lengthy meeting, the minister intended to help the
cause when he prayed: "Lord, we thank you for your Word that says,
'where two or three are gathered in your name, they have a quorum. . ."
The meeting was promptly convened with a full quorum!
* * * * *
Did you hear about the
dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lay awake all night wondering if there
is a Dog.
* * * * *
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go
out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid
of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you
and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure
he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you
when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back
door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,
"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
* * * * *
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the
police. Since there did not appear to be any foul
play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
The Health Department said, "Since there is no health threat, you'll need to
call the Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of
the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule
without authorization from the mayor."
The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who
possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant
and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the
mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.
The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his
continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said,
"Why did you call me any way?
Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to
direct his response. "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead,
BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
* * * * *
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a
bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who
took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many
ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed
out a sample of it."
* * * * *
Being a new pastor to an
aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in
Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I
said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"
* * * * *
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary
surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting
his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married
to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
* * * * *
Sister Mary, who worked for
a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station
was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and
buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been
loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was
on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas
into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned
to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
* * * * *
Did you hear about the town's richest man
who met with the minister after the Sunday service?
"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've
told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."
The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the
cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the
pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked
the cow about it.
'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you
give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that.
From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not
popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'
The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I
give while I'm still alive.'"
* * * * *
St. Peter was showing a newcomer around heaven. "The Anglicans are in this group, the Presbyterians are over here, the
Methodists there, and there are the Catholics."
And so it went, until St. Peter motioned for the man to be quiet as they tiptoed past another group. When they had gone some distance, the man asked, "Who were they?"
"Oh, they're the Lutherans," said St. Peter. "We stayed quiet because they think they're the only ones here.
* * * * *
A man came to the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife,
a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a
broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor
family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and
the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty
streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How
terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The
sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he
sobbed.
* * * * *
A mother invited some people
to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and
said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," she said.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
* * * * *
ECUMENICAL EUPHEMISMS:
"Heck is the place you go if you don't believe in Gosh."
* * * * *
Bumper sticker worth copying: "Tithe if you love Jesus. Anyone can
honk!"
* * * * *
This past Sunday, when the church held the Procession of the Palms, little Ashley was home from church because of a sore throat.
When her brother Tommy arrived home with palm branches, Ashley asked
what they were for.
"People waved them as Jesus walked by," Tommy said.
"Wouldn't you know it," Ashley fumed. "The one Sunday I miss church,
that's the Sunday Jesus shows up!"
* * * * *
'Church feud!'
A battle arose
between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Lutheran Church of Grace.
The first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on
"dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing:
"I Shall Not Be Moved."
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident
behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the
choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It
All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning
attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd
showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The sins of Gossiping."
Would you believe the Choir Director selected "I Love To Tell The
Story?"
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the
congregation that unless something changed, he was considering
resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them
in "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later,
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
* * * * *
Baseball By Religion
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
The Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out, at home, often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Catholics claim the Pope has never committed an error.
* * * * *
After he
cut the Rabbi's hair, Sam the barber refused payment. "I don't charge
clergy," Sam explained. The next day Sam found a loaf of Jewish rye
bread on the steps of his shop.
Days later, Sam cut the hair of a Catholic priest. Again, he refused
payment. "No Father, I don't charge
the clergy for hair cuts." The next morning Sam found a bottle of wine
on his shop steps.
Later in the week, it was the Lutheran pastor's turn. "Put your
wallet away, Reverend," Sam said. The next morning Sam found 10
shaggy-haired Lutheran pastors on his doorstep.
* * * * *
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
* * * * *
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had
learned in
Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When
he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and
all
the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to
radio
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge
and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his
mother
asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never
believe it!"
* * * * *
A young minister and Mr. Smith, an elderly parishioner, were
playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him rather
soundly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Smith tried to console his
minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your
hole!"
* * * * *
Lily Tomlin once said, "Why is it that when you are talking
to God, we
say you are praying. But, when God is talking to you, we say
you're schizophrenic?"
* * * * *
A Pastor used a visual demonstration to add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he placed an earthworm into each of four jars.
--He placed the first worm into a container of alcohol.
--He placed the second worm into a container of cigarette smoke.
--He placed the third worm into a container of chocolate syrup.
--He placed the fourth worm into a container of good clean soil.
The pastor later reported the following results:
--The first worm in alcohol - Dead!
--The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead!
--Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead!
--Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!
So the Pastor asked, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
* * * * *
One of the congregation members was very surprised to find her pastor coming out of the casino, and she asked him for an explanation.
"Well for one thing, casinos are very religious places," the pastor
explained. "When people pray in there, they're REALLY PRAYING!"
* * * * *
Pastor's Serenity Prayer
"Dear God, grant me the serenity to prioritize the things I cannot
delegate,
the courage to say 'no' when I need to, and the wisdom to know when to go home."
* * * *
You Might Be A Preacher If..."
Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
You've ever lied at a funeral.
You always read the obituaries.
You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing
Bible Trivia Pursuit.
You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you.
You get your second wind when you say "And, in conclusion."
The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
Your car tires are balding faster than your head.
You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.
You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church softball game.
Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.
"Annual Church Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.
You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church building.
* * * * *
The new pastor hangs a sign outside his office that reads, "Prayer Changes Things!"
The next day he finds the sign turned to the wall and he turns it back.
The next day the sign has been turned against the wall again, so he
corrects it again. This goes on for some time until he finally catches
the president of the Congregation Council in the act of flipping the
sign.
"Don't you believe in prayer?" the pastor asks.
"I believe in prayer," she says. "I just don't like change!"
* * * * *
At the congregation's creche, the youth of the church assembled
the wise men. The pastor looked with surprise when he saw the Magi were
wearing fire hats. when he asked the young adults, he got the simple
explanation.
"Doncha' read the Bible, pastor?" the youth said. "It says the wise men
came in from afar."
* * * * *
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men?
1. They would have asked directions
2. Arrived on time
3. Helped deliver the baby
4. Cleaned the stable
5. Made a casserole, and...
6. Brought practical gifts.
* * * * *
Three men arrive in Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question, "When your lying in
your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what
would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great
family man".
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the
children of tomorrow."
The third guy thinks for a moment, and then replies "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving!"
* * * * *
Not long before Christmas, two little boys were spending a night at their grandparents. Saying their prayers
at bedtime, the younger boy prayed at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I
PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR."
His older brother leaned over and
nudged him: "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't
deaf."
The little brother smiled and
said, "No, but Grandma is!"
(Recycled from the Archive # 2)
* * * * *
An
elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in
talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE
THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! PLEASE LORD, SEND ME
SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
* * * * *
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed
to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."
* * * * *
The distressed man asked the pastor, "Does God answer all prayers?"
"Yes," said the pastor, with authority.
"Sometimes the answer is YES.
Sometimes the answer is NO.
And sometimes the answer is ARE YOU KIDDING!?"
?* * * * *
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried
counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the
dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my
might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack
became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and
gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and
buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt
myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the
ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a
mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared
past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.
* * * * *
As much as he hated the city, Sven left the farm for a very important meeting
with a loan officer from the bank in Minneapolis. When he couldn't find a parking space,
Sven grew worried he would be late.
Sven prayed, "Lord, if you only find me a parking place I will give up beer, stop cussing and
go to church every Sunday."
Just as the last words left his lips, a car parked just up the street from him pulled out from the curb.
Sven looked up to heaven and quickly added, "Never mind! I found one!"
* * * * *
The young pastor agreed to perform the funeral of an indigent transient who had no family or friends.
The man was to be the first person buried in the new potter's field deep in the back country. As
misfortune would have it,
the pastor got lost and drove around until finally, more than an hour
late, the pastor spotted a backhoe and crew in the middle of a field.
The hearse was nowhere to be seen. Peering into the grave, the pastor was
not surprised to find the vault lid had already been placed in the
grave.
Without delay the pastor went into the funeral service, saying prayers
and giving the backhoe crew an inspired talk about the fragility of life
and the power of the resurrection.
When the pastor was driving away, one of the workers turned to the other
and said, "That's the strangest thing I've seen in 20 years of
installing septic tanks."
* * * * *
Church Sign: Jesus Saves!
Sign on the supermarket across the street: Safeway saves you more.
* * * * *
Much to his dad's consternation, the preacher's teenage son was unsure
what he wanted to pursue for a profession. To test him, his father tried
an experiment. While the son was away at school, the preacher placed in
the boy's bedroom a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
Hiding in a place where he could watch, the preacher said to himself,
"If
he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a businessman, but if he picks up the bottle,
he's
going to be a drunkard."
The preacher soon he heard his son's footsteps and then watched as he
came
into his bedroom and spotted the objects. The son picked up the Bible
and
placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and
dropped it into
his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the father whispered. "He's gonna be a politician!"
* * * * *
Have you heard about the 12-Step group for long-winded preachers?
It's called On-and-On-Anon.
* * * * *
The pastor is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a
long while.
The pastor asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting," the boy said.
The pastor asks, "Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a pastor says when he hits his finger with a
hammer."
* * * * *
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the
boy
responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How
do
you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do
is add
it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
* * * * *
The minister was saying the offertory prayer: "Dear
Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned
face, "without you we are but dust ..."
At that moment, a little girl leaned over to her mother and asked
innocently but quite audibly, "Mommy, what's butt dust?"
* * * * *
The pastor of a Lutheran church decides that God is calling the
parish to
a new vision of what it is to be and to do. So at the council meeting,
he
presents the new vision with as much energy, conviction and passion as
he
can muster. When the council president calls the vote, all 12 council
members
vote against the new vision, with only the pastor voing for it.
"Well, Pastor, it looks like you will have to think again," says the
president.
"Would you like to close the meeting in prayer?"
So the pastor stands up, raises his hand to heaven, and prays, "LORD,
will you not show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR
vision!"
At that moment, the clouds darken, thunder rolls, and a streak of
lightning bursts through the window and strikes in two the table at
which they are
sitting, throwing the pastor and all the vestry members to the ground.
After a moment's silence, as they all get up and dust themselves off,
the
president speaks again.
"Well, that's twelve votes to two then."
* * * * *
PROVERBS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT INTO THE BIBLE
-He who laughs last thinks slowest!
-Is the problem ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
-Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
-Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
-All generalizations are false.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a
bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some
to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When
he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers
preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a
sample of it."
* * * * *
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre- marriage
questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor
before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.When
they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own
free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said,
"Put down yes."
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