Jokes

The minister made no secret of his disdain for alcohol. Time and again from the pulpit he would rail against the sin of drinking. “The bottle,” his flock heard repeatedly, “is the root of all evil.”

Playing a trick on him while having the preacher over for dinner, a parishioner served watermelon balls that had been soaked in vodka. While helping to clear the table, the preacher could be seen sneaking the watermelon seeds into his pocket.

 

* * * * *

 

 

A Christmas in July Joke

The old Scot calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son gasps.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.”We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

In panic the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Over my dead body they’re getting divorced!” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and admonishes her father. “You are NOT getting divorced,” she says. “Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

* * * * *

The Out-of-this-World Cup

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about the outcome of a recent World Cup soccer game. Satan proposed they settle the argument by hosting their own championship but insisted that the match be played on neutral ground between the select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. “Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.” “I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the referees.”

* * * * *

The Trouble with Religious Floral Shops

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse. A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.

Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close. This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

* * * * *

From the comedian Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, on an HBO special:

10.  No snake handling
9.  You can believe in dinosaurs
8.  Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7.  You don’t have to check your brains at the door
6.  Pew aerobics
5.  Church year is color-coded
4.  Free wine on Sunday
3.  All of the pageantry – none of the guilt
2.  You don’t have to know how to swim to get baptized

and the NUMBER ONE reason to be an Episcopalian:

1.  No matter what you believe, there’s bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

* * * * *
Pastor Brenda was bemused when her five-year-old daughter Lucy came downstairs before church lugging all three of her pocketbooks.

“Lucy, what are you doing with those?” she asked.

“Mommy, I heard you practicing your sermon, and you said God was in three purses. We can’t leave part of God at home!”

* * * * *

Teaching her Sunday school students about Easter, Mrs. Martin said Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb.

“I know,” remarked little Susie, “He used it only three days!”

* * * * *

After the moving van emptied his belongings into the parsonage on Wednesday morning, Pastor Olson walked downtown to get a haircut. He wanted to look his best on Sunday and was delighted to discover a barbershop only a few blocks from the church. The sign on the door even read “Lutheran Barbershop.”

Unfortunately the barber was not in. “I can give you a shave,” his wife said, “but I don’t cut hair.”

“Sure,” Pastor Olson said. “I can always use a good shave.”

Sure enough, the barber’s wife did an excellent job. Pastor Olson asked her how much he owed, and she said $25. Shocked at the cost, the good pastor gave her the money not wanting to make a fuss in case she turned out to be a parishioner.

He woke on Thursday, and to his delight he did not need to shave. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad deal after all, he thought. On Friday, to his surprise, there was still no stubble.

On Saturday morning, his face was still as smooth as a baby’s behind. Confused, he walked back to the barber shop and introduced himself to the barber before inquiring about the excellent but expensive shave.

The barber chuckled. “So you met my wife Grace,” he said.

“Yes,” Pastor Olson replied. “How did she learn to give such a close shave?”

“I don’t know,” the barber said, “but once you’ve been shaved by Grace you never have to worry about being shaved again.”

* * * * *

On the way out the door to church, Mrs. Smith accidentally dropped the beautiful cake she had made for the bake sale. With no time to make a new one, she ingeniously set a roll of toilet tissue in the center of the cake to give it support and then slathered icing around it. To conceal her embarrassment, Mrs. Smith planned to buy her own cake at the sale, which commenced immediately following services.

Though she hurried down to the church basement after worship, Mrs. Smith was horrified to find that her cake was already sold!

Her shock was compounded the next day at the monthly book club at the home of a friend. There on the kitchen counter was the very cake she made for the bake sale.

“What a beautiful cake,” Mrs. Smith said, not knowing what else to say.

“Thank you,” the friend said, smiling. “I made it myself.”

* * * * *

Did you read the Scripture passage about the case of constipation of biblical proportions?

It’s in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

* * * * *

The self-centered woman knelt in the confessional. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am the most beautiful woman who ever walked the face of the earth.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the woman and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

* * * * *
Son: “Hey, mom, can you loan me twenty bucks?”

Mom: Does it look like I’m made of money?

Son: “Isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”

* * * * *

Easter Dinner

The pastor’s family was invited Easter dinner at the Olson’s home. Mrs. Olson was widely known for her amazing contributions to church potlucks. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. As usual, it was a feast for the eyes, the nose, and the palate.

When the pastor’s youngest son, Peter, received his plate he started eating straight away.

‘Peter, wait until we say grace,’ insisted his embarrassed father.

‘I don’t have to,’ the five year old replied.

‘Of course you do, Peter,’ his mother insisted rather forcefully. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’

‘That’s at our house,’ Peter explained, ‘but this is Mrs. Olson’s house, and she knows how to cook.’

* * * * *

Q: What do you get when you cross the Easter Bunny with an over-stressed pastor during Holy Week?

A:  An Easter Basket Case

* * * * *

At dinner after church on Palm Sunday little Maria began chattering away about learning a new song in Sunday school about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took her parents a while before realizing that the hymn Maria had been singing was really: “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear.”

* * * * *

Marge Knutson’s husband, Ernie, had finally agreed to join the church and was preparing for baptism during Lent. Pastor Hanson finished up the last catechism class by asking solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it, Ernie?”

“I think so,” Ernie replied. “Marge has been planning the party for weeks. She’s making all kinds of little appetizers and a big cake for all of our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” Pastor Hanson responded. “I mean, are you sure you’re ready to go through with this? Are you prepared spiritually?”

“You betcha,” Ernie replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

* * * * *

Over dinner in a nice restaurant, Pastor Liz was trying to convince a skeptical wealthy parishioner on the need to tithe income to the church — all to no avail.

The pastor played her trump card as they were paying the bill and leaving money on the table.

“We give the waitress 15 percent out of gratitude for good service,” she said, “but we can’t give God 10 percent for our good lives?”

* * * * *

The doctor tells the heart-attack patient that he will die without a heart transplant, but two organs are available — the heart of a U.S. Congressman and the heart of a pastor.

“I want the Congressman’s,” the patient says.

“Why?” the doctor asks.

“It’s easy,” the patient replies. ” Pastors are all bleeding hearts, whereas the Congressman has probably never used his.”

* * * * *

You know why you can’t teach biblical interpretation to kleptomaniacs?

They take everything literally.

* * * * *
That was a great sermon today — on patience,” one friend commented to another as they walked to their cars after church.

“Yeah,” the other agreed, “but it was 5 minutes too long.”

* * * * *

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.

So I said, “Come in and sit down.”

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

He said, “Beats me. Nobody ever let me in before.”

* * * * *

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, “how many of you have forgiven their enemies”?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones?” inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

“I don’t have any.” she replied. smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said “I outlived the old hags.”

(From http://jokes.ochristian.com)

* * * * *

Evangelism “Cat-astrophe”

Two enthusiastic church members were going door to door to invite neighbors to an upcoming event at the church. They knocked on the door of a woman who had a reputation for not being fond of “church” visitors. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not care to hear what they had to say and slammed the door in their faces.

To  her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.  She tried again with the same result. The door simply would not close.

Convinced these rude church folk were somehow preventing her door from shutting, she reared back to give it a  slam that would send them a clear signal, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you  do that again you need to move your cat.”

* * * * *

During his sermon Pastor Jones noticed that a parishioner had fallen asleep with head on his wife’s shoulder.

“Wake him up!” Pastor Jones barked indignantly.

The wife looked up and quipped, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

* * * * *

Two men are ice fishing on Sunday and feeling a bit guilty about not being in church.

“I wouldn’t have gone to church anyway,” one man said to his friend, explaining, “my wife is sick in bed with the flu.”

* * * * *

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are
you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says,
“Yes,Preacher. I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My
God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…”Are you sure
this is where he fell in?”

* * * * *

New Year’s Prayer

As she was passing through the nave late on New Year’s Eve, Sister Mary Martha saw the aged priest kneeling in prayer before the altar. She was touched by his faithfulness and determined to be more diligent in her own prayer life.

The next morning she inquired about what Father McMahon had been praying. “Oh, that’s simple,” he replied. “I’ve been praying this same prayer every New Year’s eve since I was ordained. It’s a prayer for successful ministry.

“God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!”

* * * * *

More bloopers …

• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.
• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annual Christmas Sing-alone.
• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

* * * * *

Pastor Schmitt was nervous when she cast Jimmy, the middle-school class clown, as Joseph in the Christmas Pageant. Her fears were realized when Jimmy decided to do a little  improvisation by pulling out his cell phone in the pageant’s opening scene.

The astonished pastor, who was narrating, asked, “What are you doing with your phone?”

Jimmy smiled and replied, “This year I’m phoning that inn to make a reservation!”

* * * * *

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the pastor if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear, but then the boy died.

The pastor ran tot he congregation and asked, “Does anybody know this boy’s name? I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

* * * * *

Who’s the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grannie by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

* * * * *

A turkey farmer was always breeding his birds to meet the market demands, and for the congregation’s annual Thanksgiving Dinner, where they invited the poor of the community for a free meal.

Year after year there was never enough turkey legs for everyone who wanted one, so he set out to breed a turkey with more than two legs. Then one year, as the church was preparing the Thanksgiving Dinner, the farmer told the pastor that he finally succeeded in breeding a bird with six legs.

“Wow!” the pastor exclaimed. “Let me see it!”

That’s a problem,” the farmer said. “I never could catch the dang thing!”

* * * * *

The smart-alec seminarian thought he had pulled a good one.  On the final exam, which asked students to delve into the complexities of theology, he simply wrote: “Only God knows the answers to these questions!”

Grading the paper, the professor wrote, “Nice proposition. If true, God gets 100. You get a 0.”

* * * * *

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

“You misunderstood,” the minister said. “This is a meeting of board members.”

“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I’d like to meet him.”

* * * * *

A Real Sleeper

After worship the new pastor was shaking hands with parishioners, when one woman turned bright red and looked at her shoes as she shook his hand.

“‘I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor’”, she said, ‘when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“‘I did wonder,’ the pastor replied. “I hope and pray he’s not ill.”

“Oh, no!” said the woman. “And it’s not a reflection on you, Pastor. I can assure you of that. My husband’s been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

* * * * *

Mary was surprised to receive $10 for her birthday from her stingy uncle, who then asked how she was going to spend it.

“I’m taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God,” Mary said. ”He’ll be just as surprised as I was at getting more than the usual one dollar.”

* * * * *

The pastor loved to play small-stakes poker with his two unchurched buddies every Friday, even though it was illegal in their town.

One Friday the police showed up, and the men scarcely had time to conceal the chips and money before officers entered the room.

“Were you gambling?” the lead officer asked the first friend.

“No, officer, i wasn’t gambling,” he replied.

“Me either,” the second friend said.

“And, Reverend, you know the Bible says ‘Thou shalt not lie,’” the officer said with a smile. “Were YOU gambling?”

The pastor eyed him coolly and replied “With whom?”

* * * * *

Two pastors were lamenting how small a voice they had in the community compared to the wealthy members.

“Money talks,” said the first pastor.

“True,” said the second pastor, “and the only thing my money says is ‘goodbye’.”

* * * * *

Ole was close to dying but made a miraculous recovery. His pastor came to visit him while he was recovering in the hospital, hoping to gain some insight from Ole’s near-death experience.

“So tell me, Ole, when you were so near death’s door, did you feel afraid to meet your maker?”

“Oh no, Pastor,” said Ole. “It was the other man I was afraid of!”

* * * * *

A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

* * * * *

Coming or Going?

On the way home from the Ash Wednesday service a young boy asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust?”

“Yes, darling.”

“And do we go back to dust again when we die?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Wow!” said the boy. “When I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I found someone who is either coming or going!”

* * * * *

The pastor was delighted to be able to perform a couple’s wedding the following year.

“Let’s plan on meeting five or six times for the premarital counseling,” the pastor said.

“Oh, we don’t need premarital counseling,” the bride said dimissively. “We know everything there is to know about marriage.’

‘Yeah,” the groom agreed. “We’ve both been married twice before.”

* * * * *

Ark Q & A (Part Three)

Q: When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?

A: When Noah took Ham into the ark.

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah – he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?

A: No the worms came in apples.

* * * * *

Ark Q & A (Part Two)

Q: Which animal on Noah’s Ark had the highest level of intelligence?

A: The giraffe.

Q: Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?

A: Because they were using “fowl” language.

Q: On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?

A: Quackers.

* * * * *

Ark Q & A (Part One)

Q: How do we know the horses aboard the ask were pessimistic?

A: They said “neigh” to everything.

Q: Why didn’t Noah go fishing?

A: With only two worms, he figured it wasn’t worth the effort.

Q: Which animals were the last to leave the ark?

A: The elephants. It took some time for them to pack their trunks.

* * * * *

Looking for the Son

One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.

“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.

“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.

“I hope to find my son” said the man

“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”

“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”

The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?”

* * * * *

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” Caught up in the fervor of the moment, he shook his fist heavenward, and bellowed, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” His sermon completed, the minister sat down to catch his breath.

The cantor stood, and trying hard to keep a straight face, announced “For our closing hymn, let us sing #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’”

* * * * *

“Dis” and That

If lawyers are disbarred and ministers unfrocked, perhaps electricians get delighted…Far Eastern diplomats disoriented…cashiers distilled…alpine climbers dismounted…piano tuners unstrung…orchestra leaders disbanded…artists’ models deposed…cooks deranged…nudists redressed…office clerks defiled…mediums dispirited…and tailors unbiased.

* * * * *

The dull-minded church treasurer came running, furious, to the pastor. “You gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” asked the pastor.

“You told me to put our money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” the pastor said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” he sniffed. “They just returned one of our  checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

* * * * *

The Good News & the Bad News

God called down to Moses and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?

Moses replied, “Most merciful Lord, please give me the good news first.”

“Well, Moses, the good news is that I’ve chosen you to deliver my people from bondage,” God answered. “I will force Pharoah to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and inconceivable devastation upon the land. Pharoah’s armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape.”

“And the bad news, Lord?” Moses inquired.

God answered, “You will have to prepare the environmental impact statement.”

* * * * *

Two ministers met in the afterlife. One said, “After all our years in parish ministry, isn’t heaven wonderful?”
The other replied, “This isn’t heaven!”

* * * * *

Purely Academic:

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objective.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

* * * * *

Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem. “When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed. I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”

The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked. One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested. He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.

“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”

* * * * *

“What was the pastor’s sermon today?”

“Babylon.”

“The pastor preached on Babylon?”

“No, the pastor seemed to babble on and babble on!”

* * * * *

After the revivals had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodiest minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new members.”

The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new members.”

The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest troublemakers!”

* * * * *

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

One Sunday the pastor was talking about prayer during the children’s sermon. One precocious six-year-old boy piped up and said, “My mommy prays with me every night!”

“That’s wonderful,” said the pastor. “What does she say when she prays with you? Do you use a certain prayer?”

“Oh, no,” the boy replied, “She just says, ‘Thank you, God. He’s in bed!’”

* * * * *

You Can’t Beat a Dead Horse Joke

The country pastor approached the deacon one Sunday after worship. “Say, deacon,” he said. “A horse died out in front of the church during worship.”

“Well, it’s the job of the pastor to look after the dead,” replied the deacon. “Why tell me?”

“You’re right, it is my job,” said the pastor. “But we always notify the next of kin first.”

* * * * *

After the third time that the father told his son and daughter to be quiet in church, the daughter pouted and asked, “Why do we have to be quiet in church?”

Her brother quickly chimed in, “Because people are sleeping!”

* * * * *

Spare Parts

The keynote speaker was in such a hurry to get to the venue that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that had forgotten his dentures.

Turning to the man next to him, he whispered, “I forgot my teeth!”

The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a pair of dentures. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said.

The man dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded. “Too tight.”

The man didn’t seem taken aback at all. He dug around in his briefcase again. “Here. I have this pair. Give them a try.”

The speaker smiled. “They fit perfectly.” He ate his meal and gave his speech without any further troubles.

After the event concluded, the speaker went over to thank his benefactor and return the spare parts.

“I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replied. “I’m the local funeral director.”

* * * * *

Overhead on Noah’s Ark

1. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”

2. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”

3. “Wasn’t someone supposed to bring some shovels?”

4. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who let the mosquitoes on board?”

5. “Don’t make me pull this ark over and come back there!”

6. “Steak for dinner? We didn’t bring any steak with us. Uh.Oh.”

7. “Are we there yet?”

* * * * *

Jesus Returns

The pastor was working in his office one day when the church secretary came scurrying through the door, out of breath.

“Pastor, Pastor, I have news!” she said, trying to regain her composure.

“Well, what’s the news?” asked the perplexed pastor.

“Jesus is coming. He’s back, and he’s coming here right now. What should we do?”

The pastor smiled, turned back to his computer and answered, “Look busy.”

* * * * *

Following the pastor’s fiery sermon on sin, one recent convert soughth him out for a clarification.

“I’m not sure if i’ve actually died to sin,” he said, “but it makes me sick to my stomach on a regular basis.”

* * * * *

Our church has a singles ministry called SALT (Single Adults Learning Together). During a recent service, our minister mentioned SALT in the announcements. “If any of you are single,” he told the congregation, “be sure to check out SALT. Those initials stand for …” The minister paused a moment before continuing. At last he seemed to remember their meaning. “They stand for Single Adults Living Together.”

—Carolyn Bolz, Riverside, CA. Today’s Christian Woman, “Heart to Heart.”

How to Keep a Child Still in Worship

The pastor recalls, “After a recent worship service the mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’ It worked!”

* * * * *

Things you’ll never hear in church:
- Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!
- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
- Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
- I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
- Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.
-I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
-Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!
-Pastor, this winter we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

* * * * *
A distraught man sought the advice of his wise pastor. “I was born blind,” he exclaimed, “But some people tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”

The pastor paused a moment before speaking.

“I see you carry a cane,” she said. “Whenvever people say that, hit them over the head with the cane. Then tell them if they had more faith it wouldn’t hurt!”
* * * * *
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.

The Pope and the Business Man

During an audience at the Vatican, a businessman approached the Pope with an offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.” and KFC will donate $10 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. Two weeks later he was back, this time with a $50 million offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers $100 million, and this time the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is… that we have $100 million for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

* * * * *

After two hours of meeting, the chair of Committee on Church Growth was ready to call it a night.

“Unless anybody has another idea besides calling every service Easter or Christmas,” she said, “I’ll accept a motion to adjourn.”

* * * * *

Some ministers were talking about death and dying over coffee at the local cafe. “What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?” one of them asked.

“I’d want people to say, ‘He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need,” responded a recently retired minister.

“I’d like for people to say, ‘He was a good father and husband, a man whose life was a fine example for others to follow,” intoned another.

“Oh, I’d like for people to remember me for my fine sermons and church growth,” said the newest member of the group.

A grizzled old farmer leaned over from the next table and said, “That’s all well and good, fellas, but I’d rather hear ‘em say ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

* * * * *

The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

* * * * * * *

Can I Get a Testi-money?

It was testimony time at the church stewardship committee meeting.

“I’m very rich,” one man said. “I am very rich because God has blessed me. I am rich because when I was a young man, with only $1 in my pocket, I heard an address by a missionary. The Spirit told me to give everything I had to that missionary. So I gave that dollar.”

A fellow committee member tapped him on the shoulder. “I dare you to do it again,” she said.

* * * * *

A Cat-achism Baptism

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the other young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: “Fine, be an Atheist.”

* * * * *

Purely Academic

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

* * * * *

While shaking hands with the pastor after worship, Mrs. Jones noticed that he had a rather bad cut on his face.

“Why pastor, what happened? How did you cut your face?,” she asked.

“Well, I was thinking about my sermon this morning while I was shaving,” the pastor replied. “I guess I wasn’t concentrating and cut myself in the process.”

“That’s too bad,”  Mrs. Jones replied. “Next time you should concentrate on your shaving and cut your sermon.”

* * * * *

And those bulletin blooper continue with more zingers from actual church publications. Enjoy!

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

————————–

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell, to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

————————–

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

————————–

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

————————–

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

————————–

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

————————–

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

————————–

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

————————–

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

May 2013 be marked with much holy hilarity!

* * * * *

The church installed hot air hand dryers in the bathrooms to cut down on paper towel waste and save money. They worked just fine, but the Rev. Jones ordered them removed after someone scrawled a note on the wall next to it: “For the pastor’s latest sermon, push here!”

* * * * *

A Little Help from Joseph

One day during our children’s sermon, I was telling the kids about how the angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help bring Jesus into the world. One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene. Then another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel left her. Instantly this little girl chimed in with “I’ll bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!

* * * * *

Seen on the door of a church nursery:

1 Corinthians 15:51
“Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.”

* * * * *

 

The Sidestitch Spouse

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

* * * * *

What Denomination?

A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination do you want ? asked the lady at the counter. ‘Good God!’ she replied, Has it come to this? I suppose you’d better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.

* * * * *

SPELLCHECK CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

The spring retreat will be hell May 10th and 11th.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join.

The outreach committee has enlisted twenty-five members to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The third verse will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Attend and you will hear and excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

*****

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

* * * * *

The pastor’s college-age daughter came running to her in tears. “Mom, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said her mother.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“That’s one of the largest and best banks in the state,” she said. “There must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

* * * * *

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”

Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched……

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: “You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

* * * * *

Share and Share Alike

A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor. The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.

“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce. Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”

The wife flared up. “You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”

“Yes,” said the pastor. “He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.”

“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”

“Same thing,” answered the pastor. “You split it equally.”

There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye. “What about our three children?”

The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution. “Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”

The wife shook her head. “No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”

* * * * *

The Stud

Two priests die at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No,” he says. “I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case. I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

When the computer is running again, God asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?”

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult” He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

* * * * *

The New Baby

After the birth of his baby brother, a little boy was thoroughly annoyed at all of his crying and screaming.

“Where did we get him anyway?” he asked his mother.

“He came from heaven!” his mother replied.

“Well I can see why they threw him out!” the boy replied.

* * * * *

Fine Dining and Divine Frugality

God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. “Thou be hungry, Mother Teresa?” saith God. “I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a

piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don’t understand…”

God sighs. “Let’s be honest, Mother Teresa,” he says. “For just two people, does it pay to cook?!”

* * * * *

Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying. There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he died. His life fading, he made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”

“Those are for the funeral.

* * * * *

Not Broken

After examining the miserly tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she grumbled, “These people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill, and they don’t break any of them!”

+ + + + +

Everybody Pull!

An out-of-town pastor drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Martha, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Peter, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Jezebel, pull!”

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.

The pastor was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

Stewardship Application: Buddy’s sort of like a church member on stewardship Sunday. Christians need to know others have “skin in the game” too. Don’t holler “Whoa, mule!” before you even get started. Make it a team effort–even if you have to pull in the “invisible” reserve players.

* * * * *

Mary was surprised to receive $10 from her uncle for her birthday. The uncle asked how she was going to spend it.

Mary said, “I’m taking it to Sunday School to put in the offering. God’s gonna be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual!”

* * * * *

The new minister in the local congregation learned that one of the wealthiest members on the roll was not a regular contributor or attender, so he made a phone call.

“From all appearances your business is doing quite well, yet you haven’t given a penny to your own church,” the pastor began. “Wouldn’t you like to help us in ministry this year?”

The lapsed member replied, “Did you know that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the pastor.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the member, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to the church?”

* * * * *

An archeologist, a pastor, and an entomologist were discussing the ongoing search for Noah’s ark.

“I have faith that we will find it one day,” opined the pastor.

“I agree,” said the archeologist, “but you need my scientific skill and expertise.”

“You’re both wrong,” sniffed the entomologist. “I can guarantee that the ark will never be found.”

“How can you be so sure?” asked the other two.

“Well, if it’s true Noah included two of every critter, then the termites have taken care of the evidence,” replied the entomologist.

* * * * *

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

* * * * *

The Preacher and his Horse

A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse to go when he said, “Praise the Lord,” and to stop when he said, “Amen.” The preacher mounted the horse, said “Praise the Lord,” and went for a ride in the nearby mountains.

When he wanted to stop for lunch by a mountain stream, he said, “Amen.”

He took off again, saying “Praise the Lord.”

The horse started heading toward the edge of a cliff on a narrow mountain trail. The preacher got excited and said, “Whoa!” Then he remembered and said, “Amen,” and the horse stopped just short of the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, “Praise the Lord!”

* * * * *

The Chief Hog

A church secretary answered the phone and heard the caller say, “I want to talk to the chief hog of the trough.”

“Sir,” she replied, “that is no way to talk about the Reverend. He is the pastor of this church.”

“Sorry, Lady,” he said. “I just wanted to donate $100,000 to the church.”

Quickly she said, “Just a minute. Here comes the big fat pig now!”

* * * * *

Ole and Lena were sitting side by side on the pew listening to the pastor go on and on with his sermon. Lena looked over and noticed that Ole’s eyes were closed. She elbowed him in the ribs.

“Wake up, Ole! What are you doing going to sleep during the sermon?”

“I was not asleep; I was considering the great hereafter,” whispered Ole.

“He’s not talking about heaven,” said Lena.

“I know he’s not.” said Ole. “I was thinking about the coffee and donuts we’ll have here after.”

* * * * *

Kill the Sermon Not the Messenger!

The new pastor was earnestly practicing his sermon delivery in the empty sanctuary when he realized the elderly sexton was standing in the doorway listening.

“I’ll bet you’ve heard a lot of preaching over the years,” said the pastor, trying to make small talk. “What did you think of my sermon execution?”

“Better make sure it’s dead,” replied the sexton.

* * * * *

In honor of the recent finding of the Higgs Boson Particle:

Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church. Priest says, “How dare you call yourself the God particle! Blasphemer! Get out!” Higgs Boson says: “Well, OK—but without me, you can’t have mass!”

* * * * *

Money isn’t everything.

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn’t everything…

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering… so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE!

* * * * *

The cash-strapped church was doing all it can to save money. The altar guild proudly reported they had saved $5 by washing the linens by hand, rather than having them dry cleaned.

“Great,” the pastor said. “Wash them again!”

* * * * *

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the local postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the IRS. The agent who opened the letter was so impressed, touched, and amused that he sent the little boy a $5.00 bill, thinking this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through the IRS and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

*****

HYMN # 365

A minister was preaching a sermon about the evils of alcohol. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

Sermon complete, he sat down…

The choir director stood cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ‘There will be a change for the hymn of the day. Please turn to #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

* * * * * *

On the way to Sunday school with his offering money, little Johnny stopped at the convenience store for candy. “Shouldn’t you give that money to church?” asked the shopkeeper. “No, I ll spend the money on chocolate, and then you can give it to church.”

* * * * *

Pesky squirrels had overrun the town’s four churches: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist and Lutheran.

After much prayer and consideration, the Presbyterians determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and people shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had nested in the baptistery, so the deacons put a lid on it and tried to drown the squirrels. But they escaped and kept on multiplying.

The Methodists decided they would not harm any of God’s creaturs, so they humanely trapped the critters and set them free across town. Three days later the squirrels were back.

The Lutherans came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels, made them members of the church and gave them a copy of the popular tract, “Tithing In A Nutshell.” The horrified squirrels immediately left for the Methodist Church.

* * * * *

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

* * * * *
Pastor to a congregation member: “Can you give me change for a dollar?”

Member: “Sure thing, pal.”

Pastor: “Pal? Pal?? Is that any way to talk to your pastor? Let’s try it again  Can you give me change for a dollar?”

Member: “No, reverend.”

*  *  *  *  *

Question and answer

Q: Why didn’t Noah go fishing?

A: He had only two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?

A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?

A: God didn’t want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: A roamin’ Catholic!

Doctor: ‘Your recovery was a miracle!’

Patient: ‘PRAISE GOD. Now I don’t have to pay you!’

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A: Even then men wouldn’t ask for directions!

*****

Planning His Future

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister When I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

* * * * *

The Tate Family

How many members of the Tate family belong to your church?

There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There’s sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot. But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands. And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church. How about it – do you know anyone in the “Tate” family?

* * * * *

Eager to hire the young pastor just out of seminary, the elder of the small country church asked what kind of salary the candidate expected.

“I’d like $70,000, housing, full medical benefits and a generous retirement plan,” said the pastor.

The elder replied, “How about a brand new BMW too?”

“Your kidding!” said the pastor.

“I am,” the elder said, “but you started it!

* * * * *

How Much is an Easter Sermon Worth?

One Easter Sunday Pastor Jones announced to the congregation, ‘My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons……

A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes

A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes

And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

Now, we’ll take the offering and see which one I’ll deliver.’

* * * * *

The new pastor was startled to learn that the wealthiest member of the congregation never gave a dime. So she stopped by to ask him why.

“The annual report of your corporation lists your salary at $750,000, and yet you never have given to the church,” she began. “May I ask why?”

“Well,” he began, “Did the corporate report mention that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills? Or that I have three children in expensive private schools? Or that my brother, who has a wife and three children, was disabled in an accident and can’t work?” He asked again. “Was any of that in the corporate report?”

“No,” said the pastor. “So sorry.”

“Well,” he concluded, “If I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to the church?”

* * * * *

The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

* * * * *

A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. He meant to say that “God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil.” However, what came off of his stammering tongue was, “God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil.”

* * * * *

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend.

“I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby.

“But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend.

“Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”

* * * * *

Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: ‘Fool’.

The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names.  But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’

* * * * *

The chairman of the finance committee grumpily declared that the meeting could not go forward because they were one person shy of a quorum. Eager to get on with the meeting’s business, the pastor insisted he be allowed to pray.

“Dear Jesus,” he began, “You have taught us that where two or three are gathered in your name, you are also. We gather in your name, Lord, so we know you are here to make a quorum.”

Red faced, the chairman convened the meeting.

* * * * *

A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. “I found it so helpful,” she said.

The minister replied: “I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach.”

“Why, what do you mean?” asked the astonished woman.

“Well,” said the minister, “that sermon lasted you three months.”

* * * * *

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.”Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!”

“Wow!” gushed the pastor. “Tell me why.”

“Well – it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!”

Babysitter

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”

* * * * * * *

What are the Three Gifts?

While participating in a church Christmas pageant many years past, I had the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator. Each rehearsal went off well and then on the night of the show, I, in a loud and penetrating voice, announced the gifts of the Magi as “gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh.”

* * * * * * *

Confused

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He would stay up all night wondering about the existence of doG.

The Inn is Full

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.”

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, “I’ll have you know I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said, “Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” replied the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born in a manger.”

“That’s right,” said the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, “Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

* * * * *

The Perfect Pastor

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes,  condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. The perfect pastor works from 8 a.m. until midnight, is always on call, and fills in as the church caretaker.

The Perfect Pastor makes $500 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $100 a week to the church. He or she  is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of the time with the senior citizens. He or she smiles all the time with a straight face because of a sense of humor that maintains serious dedication to the church. The perfect pastor makes 15 home visits a day and is always in the office when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he or she is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!

Perplexed Primate

The gorilla at the zoo looked confused as he read two books –the Bible and Darwin’s “Origin of the Species.” The tiger asked him what was wrong.

“I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to be my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

* * * * *
Jesus and Cornelius

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” while he rummaged through the desk.

He replied, “Who said that?!”

Once again he heard the same thing, “Jesus is watching you!”

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, “Cornelius.”

The robber said, “What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!”

The parrot said, “The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus.”

* * * * *

Nuts by the Fence

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

* * * * *

The Christian barber had been thinking he should share his faith with his customers more,  and one night in pryer he decided to witness to the first customer who walked in the next morning.

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, “I want a shave!”

The barber said, “Certainly. I’ll be with you in a moment.” He went in the back of his shop and prayed: “Lord, I’m going to witness to this man, so help me to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying “Good morning sir. I have a question for you …  Are you ready to die?”

* * * * *

Frustrated by his congregation’s apathy, the pastor surprised the Altar Guild volunteer when he ordered that prune juice be used instead of wine for communion. “Why prune juice?” she asked.

The pastor smiled. “If my sermons won’t move them, the prune juice will!”

* * * * *

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why, yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession……I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said….”Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada…He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno!!!”

* * * * *

The village pastor was known for his weakness for trout. He loved trout and he loved to fish. “But not on Sunday!” he preached in the sermon.
The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish. “I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday.”

The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout. And he accepted the gift.
“The fish aren’t to blame for that,” he said piously.

* * * * *

A pig and a chicken were walking through a poor section of the city.

The chicken said to the pig, “Look at all those hungry people. Let’s give them ham and eggs for breakfast.”

The pig said, “Wait a minute. For you, it’s a donation. For me, it’s a sacrifice.”

* * * * *

A few more definitions for words near and dear to the hearts of Christians everywhere:

Bulletin: 1)Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.

Choir: A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.

Recessional hymn: The final hymn of a Church service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.

* * * * *

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them ‘How do you like it so far?’

The mouse replied ‘It’s great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?’ God said ‘Sure’, and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him ‘How do you like it up here so far?’ and the cat replied ‘Great, I didn’t know you had meals on wheels up here!’

* * * * *

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

* * * * *

Johnny was on the way to church when he stopped by the corner store. He was going to use his Sunday school money to buy candy when the proprietor, who knew the family well,  put up his hand.

“Son, you should give that money to the church.”

Johnny replied, “I have an better idea, I’ll buy the candy, and then YOU can give it to the church.!”

* * * * *

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”

* * * * *

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

* * * * *

An elderly woman had recently died.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote …

“They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive; I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

*****

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

“Pastor,” Johnny says, “I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”

“That’s right, Johnny, I did.”

“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”

“Yes, I’m glad you were listening. Why do you ask?”

“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”

* * * * *

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.

The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

* * * * *

For the benefit of the unchurched, here is a glossary of “churchy” words:

Bulletin– 1 )Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.

Choir– A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.

Recessional hymn– The final hymn of a service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.

* * * * *

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.

“Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!”

The pastor was thrilled. “No one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why.”

Well, it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!”

* * * * *

The most expensive vehicle to operate, per mile, is the shopping cart!

* * * * *

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t stop talking!

* * * * *


The little boy was helping his mom around the house, and he left the broom on the back porch.

His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing.She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said “The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid.”

The little boy opened the back door a little and said “Lord if you’re out there, please hand me the broom.”

* * * * *

A policeman pulls over a car full of nuns.  “Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway,” he says, “Why are you going so slow?”

The Sister replies, “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 40, not 55.

“Oh, Sister, ” the officer says, “that’s not the speed limit, that’s the highway you are on!”

The Sister says, “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”

At this point, the officer sees the other nuns in the car shaking and trembling.  “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there?”

The Sister answers, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

** * * *
“Sunday school was boring,” groused the fourth grader.
His mother asked, “Did you study Jesus?
“”No,” the boy sulked. “He wasn’t even there!”

* * * *

A man wanted to be buried with his money. On his death bed, he called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the pastor suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I put only $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I put only $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new CAT Scan machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital, and we were  $20,000 short.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”

* * * * *

A businessman was in big trouble. He had put everything into his business, and now it was failing. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.

“You went to the beach?”

“Absolutely.”

“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”

“Absolutely.”

“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”

“Absolutely.”

“And what were the first words you saw?”

“Chapter 11.”

* * * * *

The choir director became peeved when a buzzing insect distracted the singers during practice. When it landed, she promptly squashed it.

“What is it?” a singer asked.

The director grinned: “A bee-flat!”

* * * * *

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

*****

Greeting people at the door after Easter services, Pastor Jane was delighted to shake hands with “Seldom-Seen” Steve, and even more delighted when he complimented her on her sermon and said service was “amazing.” Faced with such evidence of faithfulness, she asked why he didn’t come to church more often.

“I’m just following the Lord’s example,” he said. “If Christ can rise up early only one Sunday a year, that’s good enough for me, too!”

*****

This year’s church carnival included a dunking tank, where softball throwers with good aim could make a big splash with the pastor. The tank proved a popular attraction, but things really took off when the pastor put a sign above himself that read, “Goliath.”

*****

In a moment creative inspiration, the entrepreneur who owned the Laundromat beside the church commissioned this sign for his window: “Where cleanliness really is next to Godliness!”

*****

Two pastors were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The pastor driving said, “Don’t worry, Jesus is with us.”

“In that case,” the policeman said, “I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

*****

A Pastor in Florida lamented that it was very difficult to get his message across to his congregation. “It’s so beautiful here in the winter,” he said, “that heaven doesn’t interest them. And it’s so hot here in the summer that hell doesn’t scare them.”

*****

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, “I’m a pastor!”

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him… and cried too.

*****

Bulletin Bloopers

From Ralph Milton’s RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor.” Subscribe by sending a blank email to rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com.

*****

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”
—George Burns

*****

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession,” says our man. “But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

“Get out,” says the priest. “You’re on my side.”

—Shamelessly stolen from Rumors, the weekly ezine of Ralph Milton.

*****

An unmarried guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he goes to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settles on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.

The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, “Would you like to go to church with me today?”

There’s no answer. A few minutes later he tries again. “How about going to church with me?” After a few more minutes, he says, more urgently, “Are you coming?”

A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

*****

To prepare for his talk about global missions, the speaker had brought an inflatable globe the size of a beach ball. Misfortune struck when minutes before the talk his globe sprang a leak and deflated.

Nonplused, the speaker used the limp prop to make a point: “Funny how, when you get rid of a lot of the hot air, the world isn’t very small after all.”

*****

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area,” said Peter.

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”

*****

As Bill was approaching mid-life, not only was he going bald, but he also had a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. Determined to change his life, he joined a gym, started eating right, and got an expensive hair transplant and new clothes. Six months later he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

All dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, “Why, God, why now? After all I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?”

From up above, there came a voice, “Bill? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you.”

*****

The drunk boasts to the stranger he’s just met, “I’m Jesus Christ, and I can prove it!” He leads his new friend to a bar. When they enter, the bartender looks up and yells “Jesus Christ, are you here again?”

*****

A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says “I can’t figure out if I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother!”

*****

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

*****

Pastor’s Announcement Before Offering:

“I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil.”

*****

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, “The Lord is my Shepherd and that’s all I need to know!”

*****

Forget EPA estimates! Per mile, the most expensive vehicle to operate is the shopping cart!

*****

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said, “This church has really got to walk,” to which someone in the back yelled, “Let her walk, preacher!”

The preacher then said, “If this church is going to go, it’s got to get up and run!” Somone again yelled with gusto, “Let her run preacher.”

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, “If this church is going to go it’s got to really fly!” Once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, “Let her fly, preacher, let her fly!”

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, “If this church is really going to fly, it’s going to need money!” Someone in the back yelled, with gusto, “Let her walk, preacher, let her walk!”

*****

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.”

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most generous givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember — we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.

*****

As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: “Dear God, please don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

-Sherri Leard, in Readers Digest

*****
For those who tire of excuses why people don’t go to church, these are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites – they think they’re cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring. 5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I’ll start washing when I’m older. 8. I really don’t have the time. 9. The bathroom isn’t warm enough. 10. People who make soap are only after your money.
*****
A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O’Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor’s Roman style collar and mistook him for a Catholic priest. “Oh, sorry about that, father,” he said. “Just try and slow it down a little, OK?”
As they drove away, the pastor’s wife said, “Shame on you!  You know who he thought you were!”
“Oh, I know who he thought I was,” replied the pastor. “I’m just wondering who he thought you were.”
*****
Two priests die at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No,” he says. “I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case. I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
When the computer is running again, God asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?”
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult” He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
*****
A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, “I did the best with the money you sent us.”
*****
Three little boys discovered they were about the only ones in their playgroup who weren’t baptized, so they decided to do something about it.
They went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there. “I’ll baptize you,” he said, and one at a time he dunked their little heads in a toilet bowl.
When they got outside, one of the boys asked, “What religion do you think we are?’
The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. And we’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
The middle boy said, “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?! I think we’re Pisscopailians.”
*****
A retired  preacher was driving to town to buy a lawn mower when he saw one at a yard sale. When he stopped, he found the mower was purring nicely at idle and the seller assured him it ran great. Satisfied, the preacher brought the mower home. But the next day he pulled the starter rope again and again, but it would not start, no matter what he tried.
Finally he called the seller and accused him of deception. “I said the mower runs great, NOT that it starts great,” the man reminded him. “But there is a secret. You have to cuss at the mower – really let it know who’s boss.”
The preacher was aghast. “I haven’t cussed in years,” he said. “I don’t think I remember how.” The seller chuckled a bit and said, “Well, if you keep pulling on that starter rope, eventually it’ll all come back to you.”
*****
Fun Quotes
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” Benjamin Franklin
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein
“How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” Abraham Lincoln
*****
“Why don’t you go to church?” the Lutheran pastor asked the man with whom he had struck up a conversation in the grocery line. “All I have are my work clothes,” he said, looking down at his dusty jeans, muddy boots and sweat-stained tee shirt. “I can’t come to a Lutheran Church like this.” The pastor then collected some nice clothes from the congregation and gave the man quite an upgrade in his wardrobe. Several weeks later the pastor bumped into him again. This time the man wore a pair of kakhi slacks, penny loafers and a buttondown shirt. “Why didn’t I see you at church?” the pastor asked. “Well,” the man began, “Last Sunday I showered, shaved and put on the clothes you gave me. I looked so dang good I decided to go to the Episcopal Church instead.”
*****
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religious man replies, “No I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again: “God will grant me a miracle.”

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”
*****
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”
*****
Biblical Questions and Answers:
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
*****
A lawyer, a doctor and a pastor went hunting.  When they saw a buck, all three of them shot at the deer simultaneously. But only one shot struck the buck, and an argument broke out on which of them had actually made the kill.
A game officer came on the scene and, after examining the buck, settled the matter. “The pastor shot the buck,” he said with confidence. “I can tell because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.”
*****
After the service, a parishioner thanked the minister for the wonderful sermon. “I found it so helpful,” she said. The minister replied: “I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach.” “Why, what do you mean?” asked the astonished woman. “Well,” said the minister, “that sermon lasted you three months.”
*****
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
*****
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”
*****
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!
*****
When a toddler asked the pastor why he wore a clerical collar, the minister explained it was part of the “uniform” for a pastor in their denomination. He then removed it from his shirt for the lad to examine.
“Do you know what it says on the collar?” asked the pastor.
The boy, who didn’t know how to read, looked at the letters and guessed, “Kills fleas and ticks up to six months.”
*****
How many sopranos in the choir does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
*****
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses. Other monasteries, they knew, had opened bakeries or wineries. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.
One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?”
“No,” answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk’.”
*****
Joe was opening a new business, and one of his friends decided to send flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived and Joe read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.” Joe, enraged, called the florist to complain. The florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
*****
A minister was walking to church one morning when he passed one of his members working in his garden. “Can’t you hear those bells calling you to church?” asked the minister.
“Eh, what’s that?” said the member.
“Can’t you hear those bells calling you to church?”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to speak a little louder!” said the member.
“CAN’T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!” shouted the minister.
“I’m sorry,” said the member, “I can’t hear you because of those darned BELLS!”
*****
When the Lutheran pastor’s three Baptist colleagues accepted her invitation to participate in a special worship service one Sunday, she placed an additional three seats for them in the sanctuary.
The assisting minister asked what they were for.
“Three chairs for the Baptists,” the pastor said.
“What?” asked the assisting minister, who was hard of hearing.
The pastor said louder, “Three chairs for the Baptists.”
“What?” he asked again.
Practically shouting, the pastor said, “Three chairs for the Baptists!”
The assisting minister dutifully turned to the congregation and said, “Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!”
*****
After finishing the last book of the Left Behind series, the believer’s phone rang, and it was Jesus!
Jesus: “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I am back.”
Believer: “And the bad news?”
Jesus: “I’m calling from Salt Lake City.”
*****
The full-of-herself religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors called on Sunday morning and asked to borrow her lawn mower.

“The very idea of cutting grass on Sunday,” she ranted to her husband. “Shameful! Certainly, they can’t have it. Tell them our lawn mower is broken.”
*****

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies “No, not until you cut your hair!”.
The boy replies “But father…Jesus had long hair!”
To which his father says, “Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere.”
*****
Denominational falling:

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “That was an experience, how do I learn from it?”

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “I must have done something really bad to deserve that.”

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, “That was inevitable, I’m glad it’s over.”

When a Lutheran minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “Who pushed me?”
*****
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
*****
When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON’T have paper, they say that you were not prepared!
*****
A family went to church one day. The choir sang beautifully and the Pastor preached the word of God profoundly. The congregation shouted and danced praised unto God. They had a really exciting time in The Lord. On the way home, the youngest son said. “Dad, I can’t believe they put on that whole show for only a dollar!”
*****
After church one Sunday, little Suzy announced that she wanted to be a pastor. Pleased and surprised, her parents asked her why she came to that decision.

“Well,” she explained, “I figured it would be more fun to stand in front and yell than sit in the pews and listen.”
*****
Inscribed in stone over the front doors of the grand old church was the message,
“This is the Gate of Heaven.”

But on the door the staff had placed a sign, “Please Use Side Entrance.”
*****
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”
*****
A preacher’s young daughter asked her dad why, before entering the pulpit to preach, he always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He replied, “I’m asking God to help me preach a good sermon.

After a moment’s thought, she asked, “Daddy, why doesn’t God do it?”
*****
The minister stormed into the lay council and flung his sermon notes on the table. “Today,” he shouted to the church officer, “I have preached to a congregation of asses!” The Church officer nodded, “So that was why you kept calling them ‘beloved brethren.’”
*****
An impoverished old man applied for membership in a rich church. The pastor attempted to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks, and finally dismissed him, saying, “Go ahead and pray on it.”

Several days later he returned.   “Well,” asked the pastor, “did the Lord give you a message?”   “Yes Sir, he did” was the old man’s answer.  “He told me it wasn’t any use.  He said, ‘I’ve been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years, and I still can’t make it.’”
*****
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
*****
A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. He meant to say that “God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil.” However, what came off of his stammering tongue was, “God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil.”
*****
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”  The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”
*****
A minister was worried about asking the congregation for money for repairs, so, he asked the organist if she could play some inspirational music to get the congregation in a giving mood after he made his pitch.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll think of something.”

During the service, the minister said, “We still need $6,000 more for the new roof. Would those who can pledge at least $100 please stand up.”

Just then the organist began “The Star Spangled Banner.”
*****
The minister stormed into the council and flung his sermon notes on the table.
“Today,” he shouted to the church officer, “I have preached to a congregation of asses!”
The Church officer nodded, “So that was why you kept calling them ‘brothers and sisters.”
*****
The pastor told the search committee, “If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century.”

Someone spoke up: ” Uh, Preacher, don’t you mean the 21st century?” The pastor replied, “Let’s take it one century at a time.”
*****
Realistic New Year’s Resolutions
10. Read less. There are better things to do with your time.
9. Forget dieting. It’s easier to gain weight than to lose it.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. There are too many good programs that you’re missing.
6. Procrastinate more. You didn’t want to do it anyway.
5. Drink more alcohol. It’s no fun being sober.
4. Start being more superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work. The boss won’t approve time off anyway.
2. Stop bringing food from home. There are plenty of fast food restaurants.
1.  Take up a new habit. Smoking? Swearing? Drinking? All three?
*****
The pastor was out Christmas shopping for his family when he saw a great train set display in the high-end toy store. After 10 minutes of rapt watching, he told the sales woman, “I’ll take it.”

“Your son will really like it,” she beamed.

The pastor thought a moment and said, “In that case, I’ll take two.”
*****
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
*****
The pastor always used the phrase, “It might be worse,” when some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, “I’ve something to tell you, and you won’t be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell.”  “It might be worse,” said the preacher.   The friend came unglued: “man alive, how could it be worse?”  to which the pastor replied: “it might be true.”
*****
No sooner had the church installed hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms when the pastor called for them to be removed. The units worked fine, but some wag had written on the wall above the dryer in the men’s room, “Push button for a sample our pastor’s preaching.”
*****
Four pastors were on vacation when one of them confessed he had a problem with alcohol.  He knew these men, his most trusted and valued friends, would quietly help him.
The second pastor said that he too, had a secret vice — gambling.
The third pastor confided that lust was a really big issue for him.
The fourth pastor announced that he also had a problem: gossip.
*****
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, “Isn’t heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?”

The other said, “This isn’t heaven!”
*****
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Jones told her pastor, “I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”

“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before. “I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Jones. Have faith – the Lord will watch over you.”

“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only…..”

“Only what, my child?”

“Now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill YOU!”

“Well,” said the pastor. “Perhaps it’s time to check out that little church on the other side of town.”
*****
A bishop visited a church in his jurisdiction. Only three people turned up to hear him preach.

He asked the pastor, “Did you publicize my visit?”

“No,” replied the pastor, “but word seems to have gotten around anyway”.
*****
Two pastors were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously, “Did you?”

“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”
*****
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?”

The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.

”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She’s on her way.”

Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.

The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived. When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said. She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
*****
The young pastor was excited when they asked him to preach one Sunday in prison, but he was also very nervous .

On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood behind the pulpit, he said, “Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!”
*****
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, “Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?”
“Why, of course,” he replied. “He hears us every time we pray.”
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, “Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?”
“Yes, dear, every word,” he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility…

“Then which does God believe?”
*****
When the pastor arrived at the family’s house for dinner, the little girl informed him that her mama was cooking buzzard for dinner.

“We’re having chicken,” her father reassured the pastor.

“But daddy,” the daughter exclaimed, “I heard Mommy tell you we were having the old buzzard for dinner.”
*****
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”
*****
“Thanks for the generous donation,” the church treasurer said, looking at a check she had just been handed.

The donor smiled. “Well, you can thank the Holy Spirit.”

The treasurer rolled her eyes. “C’mon. It wasn’t that generous.”
*****
The greatest surprise of Mary’s life was receiving a dollar on her fourth birthday. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it.
“What are you going to do with your dollar?” her mother asked.
“Take it to Sunday School,” said Mary promptly.
“To show your teacher?” Mary shook her head.
“No,” she said. “I’m going to give it to God. He’ll be as surprised as I am to get something besides pennies.”
*****
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it …mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
*****
The visitor was curious when he saw the Bible verse on the door from 1 Corinthians 15:51: “Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.”

It all became clear when the visitor realized the door was to the nursery.
*****
Recreation is my shepherd, I shall not stay at home; It maketh me to lie down in a sleeping bag; It leadeth me down the interstate each weekend.
It restoreth my suntan; It leadeth me to state parks for comfort’s sake. Even though I stray on the Lord’s Day, I will fear no reprimand, for I am relaxed; My rod and reel they comfort me.
I anointed my skin with oil, My gas tank runneth dry; Surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends of summer, And I shall return to the house of the Lord this fall.
But by then, it will be hunting season and football season, And that’s another psalm.
*****
Q: How many independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – any more than that and it might seem like an ecumenical activity.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s done decently and in order.

Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that: This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps. And we seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential. The second Unitarian’s job is to read this statement and then write the obligatory criticism and dissent.

Q: How many missions magazine editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one — they’re trained to bring light to a dark world.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – there’s no point, since atheists refuse to see the light.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels an inner light.

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen – one to change the bulb and 12 to sit around talking about how much they miss the old bulb.

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – they just wait for God to say “Let there be light.”

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If God has predestined the light bulb to shine, it will change itself.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? What is this change you speak of?

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.
*****
The greatest surprise of Mary’s life was receiving a dollar on her fourth birthday. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it.

“What are you going to do with your dollar?” her mother asked.

“Take it to Sunday School,” said Mary promptly.

“To show your teacher?” Mary shook her head.

“No,” she said. “I’m going to give it to God. He’ll be as surprised as I am to get something besides pennies.”
*****
“What did you learn in Sunday school?” the grandfather asked the little boy after church.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” replied the grandfather. “Didn’t you study Jesus?”
The boy scowled. “No, he wasn’t even there.”
*****
During a Lutheran worship service a man began to be moved by the Spirit.
Out loud he said “Amen!” People around him were a little disturbed.
Then louder he said, “Hallelujah!” A few more people were becoming disturbed.
Louder still he shouted “Praise Jesus!”
An usher moved quickly down the aisle. He bent over and whispered to the man, “Sir! Control yourself!”
The man exclaimed, “I can’t help it. I got religion!!!”
To which the usher responded, “Well you didn’t get it here!”
*****
Definitions:
Bulletin: 1)Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.
Choir: A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.
Recessional hymn: The final hymn, and usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.
Ushers: The only guys in the church who still do not know the actual seating capacity of a pew.
Relics: Older members who still remember when to sit, stand, and kneel during worship. *****
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled “Who is it?”

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, “I’m the blind man.”

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn’t bother putting a towel around herself.

She opened the door and said, “What do you want?”, and the man said, “I’m here to check your blinds.”
*****
A man who died is refused entry into heaven. “There’s no record of you having done a good deed,” St. Peter explained. “Have you?”

The man thinks and replies, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I stopped, grabbed my tire iron, walked up to the leader of the gang and yelled ‘Leave her alone, you sick, deranged animals!’ ”

Impressed, St. Peter asks, “When did this happen?’

“About two minutes ago.”
*****
As the substitute preacher was greeting the congregation he made the statement, “You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he’s not the real glass.” He then proceeded with his sermon. After the service, a lady approached him trying to pay him a compliment by saying, “You weren’t a replacement after all. You were a real pane.
*****
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies,” I didn’t recognize you.”
*****
All four churches in the small town had a serious problem with squirrel infestation.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the “rhythm” method which of course did not work.
The Lutherans had the best solution. They confirmed the squirrels, and now they see the animals only at Christmas and Easter.
*****
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Pastor,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ….. and I don’t want to remind Him.”
*****
The Preacher’s Lament
“If I express myself on a subject, I’m trying to run things.
If I’m silent, I’m dumb or have lost interest.
If I’m often at my office (preparing messages), why don’t I get out and learn what’s going on.
If I’m out when they call, why am I not tending to business, or studying for a message.
If I’m not at home at night, I’m out having a good time.
If I’m home, I’m neglecting important outside contacts and activities.
If I don’t agree with persons, I’m bullheaded.
If I do agree, I don’t have any ideas of my own.
If I don’t do what I’m requested, I’m a very poor pastor or minister.
If I do agree, well, that’s what I’m paid for.
If I give someone a short answer, I’m “too big for my britches.”
If I attempt to explain the pros and cons of an issue, I’m a know-it-all.
If I’m well dressed, I think I’m a big shot.
If I’m not, I’m a poor representative of my office.
If I’m on the job a short time, I’m inexperienced.
If I’ve been there a long time, It’s time for a change.”
*****
One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.
They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.
Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?
Jesus Saves!
*****
After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn’t met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.
After a pause, he replied, “I am transferring from the Country View Golf Course.”
*****
The Lutheran church had a small congregation of very faithful people — all but one brother who had quit coming to church. The pastor went to his farm, and asked him why he didn’t attend anymore. “Gee, Pastor, I only have these coveralls and old boots, and I don’t want to come to the Lord’s house dressed like this.”

The pastor said, “I’ve got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I’ll give you if you’ll come back!”

The man agreed, and the pastor came back that afternoon with the clothes. Next Sunday the man didn’t show up again.

He went out to the farm and asked, “I gave you all those clothes, why didn’t you come to church?”

“Well, Pastor,” the man said, “I got up and showered and shaved, and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror. I looked so durn good I went to the Episcopal church!”
*****
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek…
Blessed are they who mourn…
Blessed are the merciful…
Blessed are they who thirst for justice…
Blessed are you when persecuted…
Blessed are you when you suffer…
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven…

Then Simon Peter said, ‘Do we have to write this down?’
And Andrew said, ‘Are we supposed to know this?’
And James said, ‘Will we have a test on it?’
And Philip said, ‘What if we don’t know it?’
And Bartholomew said, ‘Do we have to turn this in?’
And John said, ‘The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.’
And Matthew said, ‘When do we get out of here?’
And Judas said, ‘What does this have to do with real life?’

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.

And Jesus wept…
*****
Fuzzy Sabbath Logic, from Matthew 12

Matthew 12.9 Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, 10 and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?” .  . . 14 But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

Lesson: For the Pharisees it’s sinful to heal on the Sabbath, but OK to plot murder.
*****
A dentist came home to his wife excited about serving in the mission field using his dental skills. When she was against the idea, the dentist replied, “I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this.”

The wife was skeptical. “How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?”

“It’s in the Bible. Psalms 81:10.”

So she looked it up. I, the LORD, am your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.
*****
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians … and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60′s.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”
*****
Bulletin bloopers
Our annual church picnic will be held Saturday afternoon. If it rains, it will be held in the morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.
The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.
The low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p. m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Women’s Group sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.
The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked ‘For the Sick’ is for financial contributions only.
The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.
Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man
Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?
*****
The Television Psalm
The TV is my Shepherd, I shall not want anything else.
It maketh me to lie down on the sofa.
It leadeth me away from the Scripture.
It destroyeth my soul.
It leadeth me in the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors’ sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will enjoy the evil, for blood and sex, they excite me.
It prepares a filthy commercial before me in the presence of my children.
It anoints my head with humanism. My coveting runneth over.
Surely laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever.
*****
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a class of children about creation. “Now, children,” she said, “Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?”
“God does it,” answered one little girl, “but fertilizer helps.”
*****
From a church bulletin:  “A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.”
*****
Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers? They sold their souls to Santa!
*****
After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, “Good grief, preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It’s dripping wet.” “Hallelujah,” exulted the preacher, “We could stand more baptized wallets.”
*****
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a week, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $6.40.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”